gettin real

Dear Readers,

Things have not been going ideally with food choices this week. It feels like I have been eating everything that isn't tied down, which I think is partially true and partially exaggerated. I can only assume that there is some un-addressed inner turbulence that is now manifesting outwardly. Maybe I am afraid of not finding a job. Maybe I'm stressed that I don't know where I will be come July. Maybe I am lonely. Maybe I am tired of being my own worst enemy. Whatever the case, it would be best to do something besides writing to feel whatever it is that food has been shielding me from. Also, it would be good for me to eat without distractions. I think I mentioned this before, but I want to cease eating past about 9 o'clock at night. I've been drinking a goodly amount of water, so you know, I'll take my props on that one. I would like to keep it up.
Inspired by the run-away train that has been my eating this week, I've considered going back to Weight Watchers. I didn't go very far with it when I was in Laffy and have been, consequently, dubious as per my successfully using the program this go 'round. I was thinking, though, that I am in a different place now and I shouldn't let those "old tracks" stop me. Will let you know.
The not watching shows on the Internet before working out has been a fucking bust, BUT . . . I've been working out anyway!! Yeeuh! I've already been to Pilates twice this week and I'm going to Pilates and Yoga tonight. I have decided to put off jogging for now until my foot/ankle is feeling more up to it . . . I don't want to push it and cause worse or permanent damage. Then I'd never be able to run, which would be a tragedy! I've dreamed basically my entire life of being a runner and it is a long-term goal of mine to run in a half- (and eventually full) marathon. I'm also toying with the idea of triathlons, but I really hate swimming. That's not true. What little swimming I've done has actually been kind of awesome. I hate bathing suits. Which is also why I "hate" water-related activities and the beach. Sad really, but I know it's not going to be that way for the rest of my life.
Alright, I need to get myself together to make it out the door in time for my classes. Imma holla at y'all soon.

update

Last week went pretty well. I feel overall pretty good about my food choices, as well as the amount of exercise I got.
One of my goals was to continue with the couch to 5k training plan, which would have had me running 3 times last week. I did not achieve this particular goal; however, I did attempt to go for a jog one day last week and my right ankle, which has been giving me some trouble lately, was not happy at all. I was however, jogging faster than I normally do and I think that might have everything to do with my ankle screaming out for us to stop. I will set the goal to take up the couch to 5k cause again this week, only keeping in mind to keep the pace WAY down. If my ankle is still unhappy, then I think I will have to have it looked at . . . :(
My other exercise goal was to practice yoga and pilates once, which I also did not accomplish . . . I did, however, practice yoga twice, so I'm going to tick this goal off as a success. I went to Power Yoga on Saturday and it was EXCELLENT. Our teacher was a specimen of human strength and beauty. He was also very hands-on and did a lot of correcting, which is a wonderful opportunity for us as students. I would like to go back this Saturday. I will keep this exercise goal as is for this week, because I know I can easily and happily accomplish it.
My nutrition goals for this week are also about the same: lots of fruits and veggies and lean protein and less breads and refined carbohydrates.

10 day experiment in self acceptance, day 10

"Lesson: 'This place where you are right now. God circled on a map for you.' — Hafiz

The internal obstacles to being yourself are the same as the obstacles to living fully in the world. You negate yourself by telling yourself that your presence doesn't really matter; nobody wants to hear what you have to say; your vote doesn't really make a difference; and other people are somehow more important than you.

Self-acceptance deeply affirms your true essence, wishing you well in every situation you may find yourself. By giving yourself permission to stand in your truth, you can show up more fully in your life. You can take the risk of being you in order to find out who that really is. Self-acceptance allows you to be just yourself. Not your self-image, but the original you that came to be with us here on earth.

Exercise: Self-acceptance is the start of something wonderful. I describe it as a revelation because you can't possibly know beforehand how good your life will get once you start to experience a deep love for yourself, maybe even for the first time. This deep love reveals a perfect wholeness that cannot be destroyed by any experience in this world.

Rejoice in this mantra: 'I am here.' The more present you are, the more whole you feel inside. Notice how wonderful it feels to be deeply present in your body and in your life. With self-acceptance, you feel at home in your body, an open road appears before you, and a new journey begins."

10 day experiment in self acceptance, day 9

"Self-acceptance gives you a natural confidence that helps you to cultivate your God-given talents and express the bigness of your heart. Paradoxically, the more you practice your self-acceptance, the less your life is "all about me" and the more you open your heart to the world.

Identify five of your most natural strengths and talents. Be honest. Be specific. Don't shrink. Ask a friend for some help if you want some objectivity. Next, score from zero to 100 percent, how much you are using each of these in your life right now. Then, imagine how good your life could get if you committed to these innate strengths and talents more fully."


5 natural strengths/talents:


1) I have a good ear. This talent best applied to learning foreign languages and singing. Often, if I hear a sound -- whether it be a spoken word or a sung chorus -- I just know how to reproduce it. It is also often the case that I can reproduce a sound pretty close, if not spot on, to the original. For instance, one of my favorite party tricks is doing impersonations.
I would say that I am using this talent close to full capacity, considering I am living in Germany and speaking German on a daily basis. However, I'd like to be singing more.


2) I am very good with people. I am open, warm and friendly. I make acquaintances easily and hold on to friends for life, when appropriate. I usually am good at reading people and can get sense of a person's character; though, I do misjudge and, accordingly, always give people a second chance. 
I think I am using this talent at 80-90% of its full potential.
If I committed to this innate strength, there is really no telling how it might impact my life. I am interested to find out.


3) I am funny. I love to laugh and I love to make other people laugh and I am usually pretty good at at least getting a chuckle or two out of other people. 
Considering I am a big ham-bone, I don't see how it's possible that I am not using this talent at 100% of its full potential. 


4) I am organized. I have an eye for detail. I am meticulous to a fault . . . when working on a team, I am the guy who dots the i's and crosses the t's. I may not be fast, but I take pride in leaving no detail unattended. Not only is my work usually very detailed, but it also is visually appealing, as I strongly believe that a person's work represents them. 
I think I am using this talent at 75-85% of its full potential. 
I think it is difficult for me to use this strength to its utmost, as my life is not yet settled. I yearn for it, though. I ache for a full-time job, an apartment/house of my own and someone to share it all with . . . I look forward to nesting, which I think is just long-term organizing.


5) I have a dogged, fighting spirit. I might fall down, my spirits may flag, I always ALWAYS get back up.
I am using this talent at 65-75% of its full potential.
When this talent is operating at full capacity, so I am. I am determined to achieve my goals and realize as close to my full potential as possible.

small changes

I've just thought of a small change that I can make, that might amount to big changes:
Since I've been allowing the Internet to get in the way of being productive, I have decided that on the days that I REALLY really want to get in a workout, I will only check my e-mail. I will not allow myself to watch shows online until after I've exercised. That way, it will be a reward instead of an obstacle.
Also, the dietary changes I want to make are: no eating 2 hours before bed time.
More later on updates . . .

10 day experiment in self acceptance, day 8

The Latin for the word "accept" is "acceptare," which means "to receive, willingly." The more you accept yourself, the better you become at receiving. Live with this thought today: "Happiness is here, because I am here." Another great affirmation is: "Happiness is where I am."

10 day experiment in self acceptance, day 7

The more you accept yourself, the more you trust that life doesn't just happen to you; it happens for you. 

Decide to trust in yourself today. Commit 100 percent of your trust to this and see what happens. 

update

I feel really good about my food choices today! I do need to go to the grocery store to stock up on the rest of the ingredients I need for this weeks' meals, but I can do that tomorrow after school.
Also, I practiced yoga for 20 minutes today! I had this inclination to reduce what I did, to qualify 20 minutes with "only," but I don't fucking wanna do that. Instead, I want to be proud and grateful for having done what I did. As someone -- actually quite rudely -- told me recently, "Jeder Schritt macht fit." Which basically means, every step counts. But I want to take what that person told me -- which was basically that I need to lose weight and shouldn't be taking the elevator -- and turn it into a big FUCK YOU by owning it and making it my very own, very positive thing. So, there: have some!

I've been feeling a swirl of sadness, doubt, worry and other negative emotions today. I put them into my yoga practice and I'm feeling better.
The accept myself for who I am movement is gaining momentum.

Also, I recommend reading this. It's superb.

10 day experiment in self acceptance, day 6

" . . . Complete the following statement with 10 different responses: 'One self-defeating attitude I want to let go of now is...' 

Next, complete this statement with 10 responses: 'One self-defeating behavior I want to let go of now is...' 

Examine your answers carefully and commit to clearing at least one block from each list. As you release these inner blocks, the road in front of you will open up. 

'Not in the clamor of the crowded street, not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat,' wrote the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow."


One self-defeating attitude I want to let go of now is:
1) thinking that I am not capable of things
2) doubting myself; doubting the kind of person I am; doubting that I'll find a job/fall in love/lose weight/get my finances in order
3) believing that other people are better/smarter/more successful than I am
4) worrying that I will fail
5) believing the lies I was told/tell myself about who I am
6) thinking that I am not capable of being assertive
7) blaming myself for EVERYthing that "goes wrong"/doesn't go the way I want
8) believing that I am separate 
9) believing that I am not worthy of love or that not having found it yet is proof that I am unlovable 
10) thinking I should be perfect all the time; thinking that there should come a point when I stop making mistakes


One self-defeating behavior I want to let go of now is:
1) not trying new things for fear of not doing them perfectly/failing
2) giving my power and voice to other people because I am too afraid to say how I really feel
3) being afraid of pushing people away by being honest
4) self-sabotage
5) talking negatively about myself and my future
6) not treating myself or my body with respect
7) judging myself and other people unfairly
8) comparing myself to other people
9) being impatient
10) complaining; being lazy; letting fear stand in my way of going for the things I want in life


After examining both lists, I commit to removing the following inner and outer blocks: believing that I am not capable and not speaking my mind because I am too afraid to say how I really feel.
That is to say, I will commit to believing in my talents and capabilities. And I will say how I feel more freely.

10 day experiment in self acceptance, day 5

"Self-acceptance is an invitation to stop trying to change yourself into who you wish were for long enough to find out who you really are. When you believe in yourself and you are true to yourself, you will experience the miracle of self-acceptance, which reveals just how uniquely beautiful you are.

My all-time favorite prayer is by Macrina Weiderkher, a Benedictine nun. It goes: "O God, help me to believe the truth about myself no matter how beautiful it is!" The more you say this prayer, the more you will experience the beauty of your authentic self."

10 day experiment in self acceptance, day 4

Playin catch-up . . .

"So often, self-improvement is full of musts, oughts and shoulds. For example, you must buy these jeans or your butt isn't going to look very good. You ought to get eight hours of sleep every night. You should really be more like your overworked, aggressive boss if you are ever going to get ahead at the office. The essence of who you are is already inspiration-packed, wisdom-infused and blessed with talents and gifts. You don't need to build a successful image of yourself. You are already good enough. What would happen if you stopped should-ing on yourself? Can you see that the real you is far better than the one you're trying to sell to world?

Identify one positive action you can take to move away from the image of yourself you think you need to be to simply being the amazing person you already are."


I can find time every day to tell myself, "I love you." Also, I can reflect daily on at least one thing I like about who I am.

excerpts

"My weight history has been the greatest challenge and struggle of my life. It has been exhausting, tiring. It has led to a life-long battle with self-loathing, crushing body image issues and general defeat. It has been wrought with disparaging ups and downs. However, I'm positive that great genius, meaning and purpose lies within this struggle.
The weight loss -- and resulting vibrancy, radiance, self-confidence, increased energy, endurance and strength -- that I enjoyed a few years ago was THE greatest achievement of my life. And watching it rather rapidly slip away has been terribly painful. Recovering from the experience that caused the rapid weight-gain has been trying. In fact, it feels as though I am just now coming out of the woods."
"The biggest, greatest 'up' of my weight history corresponds to a small shift in my consciousness. I had seen a hypnotherapist a few times and he helped me make certain connections that I'd never made before. For instance, I finally realized that my health is a function of loving and caring for myself, which was pretty revolutionary . . . especially considering that before I'd only ever wanted to look 'right.' I realized that I needed to give myself kindness, that I needed to be gentle. I also realized that I needed a slow, steady approach to weight loss. I made small changes and gave myself lots of time to grow accustomed to them. And eventually, over a period of about 1.5-2 years, I achieved great success. This was easily the happiest time of my adult life.
"The 'low' corresponds directly to moving in with my parents and reverting to old behaviors and patterns of thinking. It was all very toxic. I started re-gaining weight basically as soon as I moved back to Lafayette. I was frustrated, angry, depressed. I felt hopeless. After being there for about a year, I started having panic attacks. It was an awful period and it has taken quite some time just to believe that I will come out of it.
"Thankfully, I can say today that I know I will recover. I trust that there was something from that experience that I needed to learn."
"The lesson, the practice, the meditation this go 'round has been patience. Patience! Trust the process. Keep at it. Believe in yourself and the results will follow."
"If I am honest, a part of me is dubious and fearful, but I cannot give those feelings energy by dedicating thought to them. I simply cannot afford to believe those lies. I believe that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. That we attract what we feel, think and believe. That we create our reality, our very existence. So, I must dedicate my time and energy to positivity, kindness and love . . . even if sometimes I'm faking it."

10 day experiment in self acceptance, day 3

"Self-acceptance is love, and your capacity to love yourself determines your capacity to love everyone else. The less you accept yourself, the more you will criticize your friends. 

'I see myself through the eyes of love.' If you are like most people, you know exactly what you don't love about yourself, but you're vague and uncertain about the ways that you do love yourself. For example, you could easily write a list of the things you don't like about your body, including the cellulite on your thighs, the size of your feet or the number on the scale, but could you write a list of all the ways you do love yourself? When you see yourself through the eyes of love, everyone in your life will benefit. If your mother had taken better care of herself, would your childhood have been any better? While you can't go back into your past, you can begin to nurture yourself now. 

Write down 10 ways you are not currently being very loving to yourself. Then, go back through your list, take a look at each point and imagine what would happen if you loved every single one of your supposed flaws. Write down exactly how your life would be better and how it would change the lives of the people around you."


1) I am highly critical of myself. I have trouble cutting myself slack.
-- If I were less critical of myself, I would be less critical of others. It would be easier to accept other peoples' flaws.


2) I doubt myself and my ability to succeed.
-- I would be less shakable in my resolve. People would be able to rely on me more. I could better use my talents to help other people .


3) I say mean things to myself.
-- I would be nicer to myself and others and more enjoyable to be around.


4) I worry a lot about the future.
-- I could let go and allow life to be exactly as it is.


5) I fear that I am stupid and an anti-intellectual. 
-- I could embrace my wisdom more. I could more easily admit mistakes and learn more from others.


6) I often find myself wishing I were different than I am.
-- I could be more authentic. I could better realize my potential, which would probably allow me to contribute more to society.


7) I am often late.
-- I would be more professional and respectful if I were on time more. Other people would feel that I appreciate and value their time as much as I appreciate and value my own.


8) I don't always try my hardest.
-- If I tried my hardest, there is no telling what I could accomplish. If I tried my hardest, the potential for helping other people would be limitless.


9) My actions do not always reflect my deepest desires.
-- My life would more closely match my dreams and goals. I would treat myself with more respect. I wouldn't worry so much about what others expect and want from me. I would speak my mind more freely and be more honest with everyone. This would create more harmony for me and for the relationships I have with loved ones and colleagues.


10) I turn to things outside myself (food, sex, stupid videos/blogs on the Internet) to make me happy. I also use external stimuli to avoid feeling emotions that I fear are too intense for me to handle. 
-- I would be better equipped to handle intense emotions. I would simply feel them, they would eventually dissipate and I would still be in tact. I would trust in myself more and have less fear. I would have more genuine, more significant interactions with other people. 

inhale:winter :: exhale:spring

Hamburg is in the process of blooming and revealing its revelry. The city is an all-together different, much more coquettish dame, in the springtime. So many people are out playing games and soaking up the luscious sun. It's inspiring and thrilling.
I want to write more in depth about goals, even though I know it seems to be all I ever talk about anyway.
I need to stop using the Internet to numb myself. I am squandering tons of time watching asinine television shows and viral videos. I'm going to move my laptop from my bedside back to my desk. I think this will help.
Next week, in terms of nutrition, I want to reduce the amount of bread I eat and increase the amount of fresh fruits and vegetables and lean proteins I consume.
In terms of exercise, I want to continue with the Couch to 5 K running schedule, I'd like to practice pilates and yoga at least once and I'd like to make it to dragon boot training.
I will continue later with the self-acceptance activity and I'd like to share more from my Geneen Roth journal. Til then!