days 22 - 25

Day 22 - Fran: soap + earrings

Day 23 - meditation for Momma

Day 24 - paid for dindin for me and my hunny

Day 25 - I gave myself the gift of a gym membership!

Quick and dirty today, y'all. I admit - my heart and head have not totally been in this challenge. Still, I think it's been a nice exercise. Perhaps when I've settled into my job and new habts/goals, I can give the giving challenge more of my attention.

Day 21

Hey Yawl,

The end of this challenge is around the corner and I can honestly say that I do feel it has changed me a bit. The changes are subtle, so maybe it's more appropriate to call it a shift. Whatever it's called, it's created more space in my day-to-day and more forgiveness for myself and others. Less judgment for myself and others. And it's shown me that I don't have to spend any money and make grand gestures to show someone kindness and love.
My gift for today has been saying Namaste (in my mind, of course) to as many passersby as possible, as something of a blessing. I think it's nice to acknowledge the people I pass on the street as people and not annoying, sometimes stinky obstacles in my way. It's a sign of respect - the quieter, more loving part of me gives your quieter, more loving self a nod. Anything that promotes an open heart and more compassion can't be all bad, right?

Speaking of Namaste, I gotta jet. Gonna do some yoga before I go nerd out with a round of D&D.

days 18, 19 and 20

My gift for day 18 was a belated Christmas present to my lovely, lovely friend Kar. I gave her some yummy-smelling Lush soap and some bracelets, which she loved. I wasn't sure if they were her style but she was legitimately happy to receive them. Kar is just golden, so making her happy is particularly rewarding.
My gift for day 19 was doing some more work on the fundraiser for my friend. We haven't reached much of our goal and we're running out of time. I hope we can pool some more resources.
My gift for today was a 5€ donation to Hinz und Kunzt, a magazine in Hamburg that's sold by homeless people on the street, in restaurants, on the train, etc. I gave the donation to a man who is usually in front of the grocery store I go to on a regular basis and he is super friendly. I give him donations every now and again, but I always say hello. He has a very sweet presence and I hope that the extra money made him happy.

Waiting two days to journal is ok, but three days is too long. Remembering my gifts for the past couple days was on par with doing a sudoku puzzle. Like a really hard one. Which arguably keeps my brain pliable, but I doubt that's the point of the exercise.

On a side note, this Don't Break the Chain thing is kinda badass, mainly because it doesn't feel like a thing and it keeps me rooted in the only thing I have control over - the present moment. It is suggested to focus on no more than three goals for the first 6 weeks. Mine are 15 minutes of exercise, 15 minutes of studying German and 5-10 minutes of meditation. I've created four links in my chain already. It's exciting!

Alright, kittens. I'm off to read before passing out. See you all on the flip!

day 16 updated, day 17

My gift for yesterday was to clean the apartment, including doing tasks I don't normally do, like vacuuming and mopping the kitchen. My honey and I also had two separate (and small) waves of guests at our apartment and we were able to make them feel very at ease. Our first guest said, "I feel like I am at home here." One of our visitors from the second group said, "Thanks so much for having us. It's always so nice here." Those compliments made us feel really warm and welcoming!

My gift for today was to start the Don't Break the Chain approach to productivity. This approach is great because it takes goals that may be huge and unwieldy and breaks them up into tiny steps, which is a concept that is echoed in the purpose of this very blog. It's good for someone like me who is (strangely) a perfectionist. I have been known to be all or nothing - my only concept of success is following the rules to the letter, which does not allow for slip ups. If and when I do slip, I flip a proverbial table and quit and lose a little more faith in myself. As you can imagine, this accomplishes nothing over time, though it is rewarding to flip tables. (Note: I have never flipped a table IRL, much to my own disappointment.)

I do feel that something has stirred in me since beginning this project of giving. It doesn't feel big, but it does feel significant and I look forward to where that takes me. I am also really excited to learn more about what I have to offer to other people.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is that I have been holding myself back from better health because, subconsciously, I don't think I can take good care of myself. I don't know why, but it has a death grip-like hold on my brain. It is exhausting and rationally I know it's a bunch of bullshit, but I have been having trouble shaking it. I am open and ready to a breakthrough, cause I have no business not believing in my capabilities to accomplish any and everything I set my mind to. Period.

Aight, y'all. I'm headin off to bed. Sweet dreams, kittens.

days 15 and 16

Yesterday my gift was to help my friend pack for her move at the beginning of February. She has a one year old which makes it next to impossible for her to pack during the day. And they have LOTS of stuff, so her growing concern was palpable. She was super thankful and it felt good to help my friend and her adorable little family. (HER BABY IS SO CUTE I CANT EVEN.)

For today, I am not sure what my gift will be, so I'll have to update later. I am open to a "giving moment" presenting itself!

Take care, kittens :D

days 13 and 14

My gift yesterday was to myself, in that it was my last day at BP, a place that created a lot of stress in my life. Although, I did meet the love of my life working there, so for that, I will be forever grateful. Yesterday was also very much about receiving, as I received lots of well wishes and lovely farewells from my former colleagues. Let it never be said that I left because of the people. The people were always great there.

I intended my gift for today to be helping my friend pack for her big move at the beginning of February. I had to postpone though, because I woke with a headache that has steadily gotten worse over the course of the day. Instead, my gift of the day will be the dinner I cooked for my honey. The only thing that is potentially problematic with that gift, is that I did not really give that gift mindfully. I'll work on that for the rest of the challenge.

Here's to getting more centered in the next few days!

day 12

Tomorrow is my last day at work, which is always weird no matter how many jobs I've left.

As my gift for today, I decided to work on a task for a game I have been translating from German into English for the past two years. It isn't due until the end of the month, but I thought it would be a nice gesture to finish it before I left. Working on this game has always been tedious and challenging, but this takes the cake. What this task lacks in creativity, it makes up for in tedious minutiae. It is absolutely mind-numbing and typical of the things I've been working on for the past 2 years, that I am positive I don't want to spend 40+ hours a week doing. I have invested at least half a day into this ticket, if not more, and I think I am only about halfway through. I am regretting the decision to make this a gift.

I drank an extra cup of coffee at the end of the day to push through the task and that was a terrible mistake, as I have been on the verge of panic attacks all evening. I had a small one after returning from the grocery store -- my heart was racing and I immediately started crying after unloading the groceries and changing into my comfy clothes. I barely finished cooking dinner tonight and almost completely ruined it in the process. I wanted to bake chocolate chip cookies for tomorrow and couldn't even get started, I was so overwhelmed. I am exhausted, but I doubt I'll be falling asleep any time soon. Caffeine is fucking awful.

I'll work more on this monster ticket and pray that sleep comes eventually.

days 10 and 11

My gift for day 10 was a birthday present for my friend Awd. I gave her chocolates, a small bottle of champagne, earrings (that she can't wear cause her ears aren't pierced - we all say DOH every now and then) and a little potted hyacinth. She, of course, was very excited and grateful.
Btw, the pizza restaurant we went to, Mehl (means flour) was suuuuuuper cool. The food was delicious -- all locally grown, incredible fresh and very high quality -- and the service was mostly very very good. (Some of it was almost too good -- our bartender was kind of a motormouth who needed to dial back the hotdoggin.) We all tried each other's pizzas and they were absolutely delicious. I will definitely eat there again.

I ended up giving four gifts yesterday and I am noticing that I categorically overgive, primarily because I never think I am enough deep down. I gave my friend Sab some lovely Lush soap and some Rote Grütze tea. (Rote Grütze mit Sahne, btw, is a dessert that is popular in northern Germany and Scandinavia. The name of the dessert in Danish is rød grød met fløde which is unpronounceable for non-natives. In WWII they would have people say the name of the dessert to assure they were not spies. Sorry, I just think this is fascinating.) I gave my friend CG some yummy coffee and some of the peanut butter cookies I made for Christmas. I gave Ell The Cajun Night Before Christmas, cause she is a linguaphile and is fascinated by Cajun culture (she also loves accents). And I gave my friend G freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
We had all four of them over last night and we ate some lovely Irish sausages and white pudding, as well as some sides I whipped up to go along with them. It was great fun!

I want to do my best to give one gift a day for the rest of the challenge. I would also like to avoid spending money on the gifts. I think that would help me really focus on what I have to offer other people.

For today, I will help my friend finish organizing the fundraising project for his girlfriend. And I will continue organizing all of my important documents (tax information, pay stubs, docs for my visa), which is a gift for myself and my honey.
2014 is, after all, the year of taking care of myself and control of my finances. And it's the year of giving!

day 9 update

My gift for today was cooking dinner of cabbage rolls for my honey and myself. I'd been meaning to make them since New Year's: I remember making them with my grandmother and I've been thinking of her and missing her lately. I've also been thinking about tradition, specifically forming my own that are personal and meaningful. Cabbage and black eyes peas to ring the New Year is a tradition I like and want to introduce in my little family, so I decided to start this year. Granted I am a bit behind, but whatevs. In fact, we're about to dig in now...

days 8 and 9

My gifts yesterday were spare change, first to a man who specifically asked me for some and second to a kick-ass busker in the Schanze. He was good y'all. Like, so good I crossed the street specifically to give him the rest of the change I had in my pocket. The first guy didn't officially say thank you, but he did sound very excited. The busker gave me a very meaningful nod of the head, which made me feel warm.

I haven't given any gifts yet today. I have eaten just assloads of sweets, which is unrelated but I felt the need to mention it cause I am feelin pretty crappy about it. One thing I CAN do is meditate, like I promised myself I would a few days ago. That can't hurt - in fact, it never does. I'm open to an opportunity to give presenting itself.

day 7

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Today I gave my boo one of those workout armbands for ipods/cell phones. Frankly, I originally ordered it for myself, but as soon as I unpacked it, I knew right away that I wanted it to be my gift for the day.
I cannot say that anything spectacular has happened or that I feel a change but I am curious to know where this experiment will take me. I suppose if I touch just one of the people who receives a gift from me, that will be enough.
I did notice that, when I decided to make dinner for my honey the other night as a gift, I didn't feel like it was enough. In the book, the author talks about feeling the same way about some of her offerings and how that is indicative of categorically overgiving because of feelings of inadequacy. Which, yeah. Nail on the head.
Another thing she wrote about that resonated with me was that she used to write a blog (though hers had a huge following ;)) about her trauma, mental illness, substance abuse and eating disorder, but eventually she wanted to develop a new voice that was not from a place of pain and suffering. I've had similar thoughts about my writing for years.
In fact, I've always hesitated calling myself a writer, because I only ever voluntarily do this one kind of writing, which sometimes feels really indulgent and self-centered. Of course my hope is to  show people who struggle with similar issues that they are not alone. If I can help someone by sharing my story, then all the better. Still, I cannot say that I've ever written, say, a short story of my own accord. Or any fiction, really. Well, a bit, but not much. Writing about myself all the time just feels kinda wrong.
I thought it might be helpful for me to do this challenge to "get out of my head." To focus on what I can give to others, rather than focusing on how to "fix" and change myself. My hope is to create a shift that helps me no longer be identified with my disorders and my size. And to bring light and love to other people's lives.

days 2 through 6

-Friday, January 3, 2014

My boo and I went to see The Desolation of Smaug with his sister and her husband and I paid for all of our drinks and food.

-Saturday, January 4, 2014

I cooked dinner for my boo.

-Sunday, January 5, 2014

I helped a friend organize a call for donations for his girlfriend, who is going through a very difficult time in her life.

-Monday, January 6, 2014

I gave some more cookies to co-workers, as well as headbands, lotion and awesome Lush soap to my super friend.

I've started reading the book 29 Gifts and it's a wonderful read. Journaling, meditation and doing daily affirmations are encouraged, in addition to giving. The journaling I naturally picked up, but I will start meditating and doing affirmations tomorrow. I am open to the opportunity to give and I give with a joyful, open heart!

29 days of giving

Let's pretend it hasn't been months since I last wrote. K thx.

2014, the year of no real resolutions, the year I stop trying to change my body. That's right. I still have goals of course, but I always do. My primary goals are to take control of my finances and exercises regularly. I also want to explore my eating disorder, which I will write more about later.
Main point - 2014 is the year of acceptance. No more setting conditions on loving and accepting myself: time to take myself as I am. The end.

I do have a little project that I am working on. Namely, 29 days of giving. The gifts can be as simple as spare change or a phone call, but they have to be mindful and authentic. At least one gift I give must be something I feel is scarce in my life. Today's gift was a small bag of Christmas cookies to a co-worker. He was surprised and thankful :)

More to come, cause I actually do need to do some catchin up.

Happy New Year!