hard proof

So, I saw a video of myself this morning and... it was humbling, I guess is the word. I was not thrilled with what I saw, but I am not wallowing in The Pits, which is what I call that quagmire of hopelessness and despair deep in my stomach. I think I've mostly been in The Pits for the past few years - though I have, of course, experienced moments of happiness, gratitude and joy - which would explain why I've been stuck, because that's where things go to die. Thanks to some powerful counseling, I finally feel like I am getting unstuck. I feel like I can breathe easier.
Alright, so I don't like what I saw in this video. That sucks, I won't lie. But I have some choices: I can stay in The Pits, where things are stagnate and gross. Or I can climb out and start cleaning myself off. I'll go with the latter, even though I know it means I am in for plenty of work.

Again, I don't know who's reading and I don't know where you are in your life, but I encourage you to hang in there if you're struggling. It gets better and I want you to be around to see that. I sincerely want things to get better for all of us who struggle.

I am keeping you in my thoughts today, kittens.

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takin a load off

Hello kittens,

Feeling lighter in spirit and a little less serious these days. Been making it a point to enjoy exercise instead of viewing it as a means to losing weight - using it to stabilize my mood and digest life. Like cleaning house, I may not always want to do it, but I always feel better and more accomplished once I am finished.
I signed up for a 4km race that will take place at the end of September. I am not sure what came over me. Maybe I am tired of putting my life on hold until I lose weight? I've always wanted to be a runner, but I've never actually trained and I figured I might never try if I didn't give myself a reason to. My goal is to finish the race without stopping and to not give a shit what my time is. I am doing my best to not worry if I am going to "fail" and to just enjoy myself while training.

I've felt a little sad today. I don't remember what, but something reminded me of my Granny today and how much I miss her. I would give anything to talk to her one more time - we had the best talks, y'all. And my mother... well, I always miss her, even though she's technically still with us. I will call my Mammaw this weekend. Other than that, I noticed myself being jugdmental towards one of my students today and that bummed me out, because that's not the person I want to be.

I should jam, loves... gotta help my honey finish up dindin. I am thinking about you guys, whether you're strugglin on kickin ass, and rooting you on all the way!

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getting unstuck

I was doing some tapping earlier (trust me, I know how cuckoo this seems and looks, but it has been helpful for me) because I've had some troubling back pain this past week and it ended up bringing up some unexpected things. It occurred to me that I was probably holding on to some negative emotions, specifically fear and worry. That led me to a breakthrough, namely that those emotions are not mine. They belonged to my mother and grandmother and I've been holding on to those emotions to maintain my connection with them. I'm curious to see where this realization will lead.

Earlier I was feeling like a big pile of crap, feeling super uncomfortable in my body (my clothes are not fitting well right now) and, instead of berating myself, I did a little workout to pick up my energy and seratonin levels. I was also conscious to refrain from harshly judging my body and its limitations and to cheer myself on.

It just reminded me, if I've forgotten what this whole blog is about, to focus on the journey instead of the destination.

If you happen to be reading this and you're frustrated and feeling hopeless, don't give up on yourself. You are worth taking that next step. :D

long time

Dear Readership,

I know I keep neglecting this bloggy, but I promise I haven't gone anywhere. I am still here, hanging on, sometimes white-knuckling it.
I've been going to group therapy for women with eating disorders and today was the last day we met. I was surprisingly emotional when I got home for a myriad of reasons - I've been missing my Momma, I am confused about work, I am scared about my future and I am worried about what feels like a lack of progress.

I did learn some pretty major things over the past few weeks, though. For instance, I realized that I cannot process the past or any emotions mentally; rather, it must all be done in the body. I also discovered that I have something I've been referring to as the Sea of Grief in me, which is an endless pool of unprocessed sadness. I learned that my emotions are only there to be felt and that, if I allow them the just attention and space they need, they will dissipate. Perhaps not forever, but they definitely do subside. I relearned that I put myself under immense pressure and that I have been squeezing all of the fun and love out of reclaiming my health. I lost my focus and patience somewhere along the way. Most importantly, after I regained all of the weight I lost, I became terrified of experiencing that heartache ever again, so I've been sabotaging myself. For good measure, I've also convinced myself that losing weight again is plain impossible.

Huh, I don't think I realized how much I really learned. Sometimes it takes time to let seeds take root and grow. Another thing I learned is that I take losing weight so fucking seriously. Here's a crazy thought - what if it's not? What if it could be FUN?

I am not about to prescribe how often I need to be writing, cause that's unreasonable and not the point. The idea is not to be done with this project, after all. It's about the journey.
I am just happy to be here and I am cheering on all of you!