things that are bothering me today

1. I am broke.
2. I don't want to ask my father for money, because I fear he will get pissed and tell me how financially irresponsible I am.
3. I am afraid to tell my parents that I am going to be staying in Germany for a while.
4. I am afraid that I won't be able to fly back to visit my friends and family and that my flight will go to waste.
5: I am afraid that I won't be able to get enough money together to pay my deposit.
6. I am worried that the jobs I have lined up won't be enough to make ends meet.
7. I need to have my visa lengthened and I am worried that I won't be able to take care of it, because I don't have any money.
8. I am envious of the people who were in the same program I was who are going/have already gone/ will be going home.
9. It's kind of hot today.
10. My foot is still hurting.
11. I am homesick and lonely.
12. I am ready to settle down/have a family of my own and I am worried that it will never happen.
13. I worry that I will be single forever because I am doing something wrong.
14. I don't want to continue being so goddamn mean to myself all the time.
15. I want to be debt free.
16. I want to eat foods that are not crap . . . and have the money to finance it.
17. I wanna be able to hang out with friends without the shadow of brokeness constantly hanging over me.

hangs head . . .

I feel really ashamed right now. I've been a terrible employee. I've been simply not showing up at school assuming that there's been basically nothing for me to do and it's just dawning on me that I missed the opportunity to say goodbye to a lot of the students I worked with during the school year. I hope I get the chance to say goodbye to them later and that I have to opportunity to redeem myself . . . to myself.

freaking out

I have been balling since yesterday because I miss my friends and family and can't believe that I am actually going to go through with this. On top of all of that, I am fucking broker than broke and have NO IDEA how I'm going to finance staying here . . . maybe this is all proof that I should just pack up and go back home.

back and forth

At the moment, I am feeling anxiety about the outcome of the next 6 weeks. I do have a job offer to fall back on, a "safety school" as a new, very wise friend put it. I feel like this should be a lot more comforting than I have allowed it to be. I have a job interview tomorrow with another company that teaches languages to business folk, individuals and teens and kids. The position would be freelancing, as is the offer I already have. I think either of these positions could be a springboard for my career. I see lots of positive things in both of the prospects, but I can't deny my yearning for something more stable and career-oriented. I'm also waiting to hear from two schools in Nordrhein-Westfallen, one of which I am extremely excited about despite it being located in a terribly small town. I have heard from close to zero of the schools/school districts I have applied to in the US, though I have heard from my referees that my references are signed, sealed and delivered. As my "deadline" approaches, I feel more and more pressure to have something locked and loaded for next year. Also, now that I'm in the time crunch, I am certain that I want to stay in Germany. 

Last week was quite the abng-up week for exercise! My eating was also pretty clean, as far as I can remember. However, I have spent the last two days in a sugar haze and I feel disgusting. I finished my second read of Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God and am working slowly, but surely on the companion "15-week" journal to the book. I would like to share the Eating Guidlines and talk about which ones I want to focus on for the next week.

The Eating Guidlines:

1. Eat when you are hungry.

2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.

3. Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.

4. Eat what your body wants.

5. Eat until you are satisfied.

6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.

7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

The two rules I have struggled with for as long as I can remember -- and still struggle with today -- are numbers 3 and 5. Those are the two rules I will focus my attention (and intention) on this week.

In terms of exercise, I want to practice yoga and pilates at least twice this week, I also want to practice this yogalates video I found online once and I want to practice the Women's Health yoga abs workout once. I also want to meditate at least 2-3 times this week.

This post is serving not only as an outlet for my fears, doubts, frustrations, but also as a way to create the positive things I wish to enjoy in my life. 

In terms of job/future-building crap, I create that I will find out in the next 2-3 weeks where I will be working in Germany. After that comes finding a place to live :)

Updates @ the end of the week.

quick catch up

I can feel momentum building behind my movement towards optimum health. I can feel myself settling into patience, embracing the "slow and steady wins the race" approach that worked so well for me before. (I maintain that the "slow and steady" approach is the only one that works.)
I am easing up on myself, little by little. I am loving myself a sliver more each day. I am moving my body. I am caring for my inner person. I am taking care to notice how, when and why I eat.
I feel good about where I am and I feel hopeful and positive about where I am going.

new definition of discipline

Discipline is remembering what you want.