Dearest Readership,
I've applied for a job this past weekend and, as is seldom to happen, I really want it! I want it so badly, in fact, that my stomach flops with excitement (like when you're on a roller coaster) every time I think about it. Around this time last year, I applied for an opening in the same organization, which is located in Berlin. I wanted that job as much as I want this one, but I felt unsure about having to move to Berlin for it, especially since M and I had just had our first anniversary. Now that we've been together longer, I feel ready.
When I think about it and start to feel antsy, I repeat, "The job is mine," and I envision receiving an invitation to interview. I think about being in Kreuzberg, about my new duties and allow the sense of pride to swell in my chest. Any time doubts and worries creep in, I let them know they are not welcome and wait until they show themselves out.
Please send your positive thoughts, energy, prayers, light my way - I need all the good juju I can get :D
Will keep you updated!
PS - I am thinking of you, offering up my own well-wishes that you are well!
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Thursday, October 16, 2014
ready, aim, fire
I am grateful for:
1) another day!
2) my powerful work ethic and sharp mind
3) my belief in myself and my abilities
What I want to achieve:
1) I want to be healthy and happy, from the inside out.
2) I want a job that I love - preferably my own business, which helps people in some way - that pays well.
3) I want a house with some land for a garden and room for a dog, a cat and a small family.
4) Self-acceptance.
May I have the strength to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference!
1) another day!
2) my powerful work ethic and sharp mind
3) my belief in myself and my abilities
What I want to achieve:
1) I want to be healthy and happy, from the inside out.
2) I want a job that I love - preferably my own business, which helps people in some way - that pays well.
3) I want a house with some land for a garden and room for a dog, a cat and a small family.
4) Self-acceptance.
May I have the strength to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference!
Sunday, October 12, 2014
shake it up, shake it out
I woke up this morning in a stinky mood, which is a good indicator that I need to get some movement, a good sign a need to clean house. Get out of my head and into my body and sweat out all the bullshit. Good thing I had a badminton date with a friend of mine - she's really good, so she had me running all over the place. I feel so much better. May I remember this feeling when I am dragging ass to get up and get moving.
Today, I am grateful:
1) for good friends who accept me the way I am, but still push me to achieve the things I want in life
2) that I got up and did some sport this morning. I could have easily cancelled and stayed in bed.
3) that I have fun moving my body.
It's been a really difficult 7 or 8 years and I still have really dark, shitty days, but I am still doing the work. I am still putting one foot in front of the other, so I trust that I am, in fact, moving forward. I also trust that, if I keep it up, I will be able to see how far I've come.
It's my dream to help other people on their journey to health. Maybe these past couple of years has just been me paying my dues? At any rate, yes, I want to be healthy for myself, but I also want it for my future clients.
Today, I am grateful:
1) for good friends who accept me the way I am, but still push me to achieve the things I want in life
2) that I got up and did some sport this morning. I could have easily cancelled and stayed in bed.
3) that I have fun moving my body.
It's been a really difficult 7 or 8 years and I still have really dark, shitty days, but I am still doing the work. I am still putting one foot in front of the other, so I trust that I am, in fact, moving forward. I also trust that, if I keep it up, I will be able to see how far I've come.
It's my dream to help other people on their journey to health. Maybe these past couple of years has just been me paying my dues? At any rate, yes, I want to be healthy for myself, but I also want it for my future clients.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
I need a miracle
Feeling so fucking trapped today. And panicky. I want so desperately to find and do work that I love but I am feeling overwhelmed. I don't even know where to begin. But I've just got to figure something out... I just have to. I don't want to live like this any more.
Things I am grateful for today:
1) the work day is over
2) tomorrow's Friday
3) being safe and sound in my bed, while my honey waters the plants
It ain't much, but it will definitely do for now.
Things I am grateful for today:
1) the work day is over
2) tomorrow's Friday
3) being safe and sound in my bed, while my honey waters the plants
It ain't much, but it will definitely do for now.
Monday, October 6, 2014
lightbulbs
I've been doing some work with my awesome therapist on victimhood. The victim stance is a theme that has continued to have a presence in my life, albeit an elusive one. I don't always know what it looks like; I don't always know what whispers in my ear; I don't always see how it pulls the strings. Thanks to the work we've done, though, it's becoming clearer and I am learning the salves: setting boundaries, standing up for myself and taking responsibility for my choices.
Another thing that helps is changing the stories I tell myself and other people. So, instead of: I've had a hard time recovering from depression, I can tell myself: I've had a hard time recovering from depression, BUT I'M STILL HERE. I am still putting one foot in front of the other. I am still doing the work and it hasn't killed me. That must mean that it is making me stronger. Getting curious about that is a much more productive outlet for my thoughts than wallowing in what can't be changed.
Today, I am grateful for:
1) the loving support of my partner and how he always tries to cheer me up
2) me. I've got me and that ain't bad.
3) setting boundaries. Feels good, yo.
4) Palak Paneer.
5) Michi's family
6) Social programs, y'all! Shit's to die for.
7) All of you, my darlings. ;)
Another thing that helps is changing the stories I tell myself and other people. So, instead of: I've had a hard time recovering from depression, I can tell myself: I've had a hard time recovering from depression, BUT I'M STILL HERE. I am still putting one foot in front of the other. I am still doing the work and it hasn't killed me. That must mean that it is making me stronger. Getting curious about that is a much more productive outlet for my thoughts than wallowing in what can't be changed.
Today, I am grateful for:
1) the loving support of my partner and how he always tries to cheer me up
2) me. I've got me and that ain't bad.
3) setting boundaries. Feels good, yo.
4) Palak Paneer.
5) Michi's family
6) Social programs, y'all! Shit's to die for.
7) All of you, my darlings. ;)
Saturday, October 4, 2014
cleaning house
It occurred to me yesterday that the only way I will get through the storm that's coming is to make sure I am clearing my mind - the best ways to do this are meditation and exercise.
1) I am grateful that I realized this and that I love moving my body. With each time I move my body, may I remember this love more and more.
2) I am grateful for having a partner, with whom I can talk about anything under the sun without judgement.
3) I grateful for a new day.
4) I am grateful for knowing who I am and, more or less, what I want out of life.
1) I am grateful that I realized this and that I love moving my body. With each time I move my body, may I remember this love more and more.
2) I am grateful for having a partner, with whom I can talk about anything under the sun without judgement.
3) I grateful for a new day.
4) I am grateful for knowing who I am and, more or less, what I want out of life.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
attitude of gratitude
Hey Y'all,
If any of you are in AA or have ever been to meetings, you know that program is rife with pithy sayings, just begging to be memorized. "Keep coming back." "It works if you work it." "Fake it till you make it," also known as, the inspiration for this post today. I am not feeling exactly grateful, but I am going to fake it and hope that it does good things for me:
1) I am grateful for old friends
2) I am grateful that this is a three-day weekend; ergo, I am grateful the two Germanies were reunified over 20 years ago
3) I am grateful for health insurance, cause it means I got to have my nasty swamp foot treated, even though the whole ordeal was embarrassing
4) I am grateful for Irish cheddar
5) I am grateful for stuffed animals and that I finally get why they are awesome
Hugs all around.
If any of you are in AA or have ever been to meetings, you know that program is rife with pithy sayings, just begging to be memorized. "Keep coming back." "It works if you work it." "Fake it till you make it," also known as, the inspiration for this post today. I am not feeling exactly grateful, but I am going to fake it and hope that it does good things for me:
1) I am grateful for old friends
2) I am grateful that this is a three-day weekend; ergo, I am grateful the two Germanies were reunified over 20 years ago
3) I am grateful for health insurance, cause it means I got to have my nasty swamp foot treated, even though the whole ordeal was embarrassing
4) I am grateful for Irish cheddar
5) I am grateful for stuffed animals and that I finally get why they are awesome
Hugs all around.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
one more thing
I was invited to take part in the gratitude challenges you may have been seeing on facebook these days. Since fb is not my preferred platform for putting my shit out there, I'd like to do that here, startinnnnnnnng NOW:
1) I am grateful for M's love, support and companionship. He's everything I ever could have hoped for and then some.
2) I am grateful that I have a job. I may kind of despise it, but at least I have one.
3) I am grateful for Netflix in Germany.
Tag, y'all are all it!
1) I am grateful for M's love, support and companionship. He's everything I ever could have hoped for and then some.
2) I am grateful that I have a job. I may kind of despise it, but at least I have one.
3) I am grateful for Netflix in Germany.
Tag, y'all are all it!
Tsunami
Hi Kittens,
Shit has sort of been hitting the fan lately. The good news is, I've been coping to the best of my abilities - the bad news is, that usually involves self-destructive behaviors. The track playing over and over in the back of my mind is one of self-defeat and self-doubt. Sometimes I can stop the tape, but usually I can't. My gut is telling me that things are going to get a lot messier and more difficult to manage before they get better. The most I can do is hold out hope...
Work is kind of a mess, mainly because I don't hate it any less than I hated my last my job; although, the way it stresses me out is new, in a disenfranchising kind of way. Collectively, I do not think the employees at this particular company could feel any less motivated, which makes for a sometimes suffocating atmosphere. I would love to find something else, but all of the jobs I've applied for in the last few months have not even had the decency to send me a rejection. I doubt working for a different company would make much of a difference, because most companies are awful in their own special way. On my bad days, I feel trapped; on my good days, I focus on my work and keep putting one foot in front of the other until the next holiday.
My uncle died and nobody told my family about his death. It got back to my father via the small town rumor mill and, after some investigating, he found out that my uncle underwent surgery at a hospital in New Orleans, where he died not long after. My father assumes that his body sat unclaimed long enough in the morgue to have been cremated by the city and laid to rest in pauper's field. There were no services held and, not only did we not know, no one else in our entire extended family knew either. The whole thing makes me very sad.
The issue weighing most heavily on me, however, is my mother's illness and the shocking rapidity with which it progresses. I skyped with my parents yesterday to find out more about my uncle. My father grabbed my mother to come and say hello to me, as usual; but this time, when she sat down at the computer, there was not the slightest flicker of recognition in her eyes as to what was happening. She knew my name and I think she knew I was her daughter, but we were not able to exchange even a few sentences for her utter confusion. It left me speechless - there is no depth to my awe of her disease. I hate that my father is alone in taking care of her, but know that the time of his reprieve will come very soon. I imagine it will take a few months, at the very most; and, in the meantime, all I can do is wait for a phone call or an email, asking me to come home and help find full-time care for her. If I believed in god any more, I would be praying for the mercy of a swift and quiet passing.
In light of all of this, I can't seem to give a shit about eating healthy food and exercising.
Shit has sort of been hitting the fan lately. The good news is, I've been coping to the best of my abilities - the bad news is, that usually involves self-destructive behaviors. The track playing over and over in the back of my mind is one of self-defeat and self-doubt. Sometimes I can stop the tape, but usually I can't. My gut is telling me that things are going to get a lot messier and more difficult to manage before they get better. The most I can do is hold out hope...
Work is kind of a mess, mainly because I don't hate it any less than I hated my last my job; although, the way it stresses me out is new, in a disenfranchising kind of way. Collectively, I do not think the employees at this particular company could feel any less motivated, which makes for a sometimes suffocating atmosphere. I would love to find something else, but all of the jobs I've applied for in the last few months have not even had the decency to send me a rejection. I doubt working for a different company would make much of a difference, because most companies are awful in their own special way. On my bad days, I feel trapped; on my good days, I focus on my work and keep putting one foot in front of the other until the next holiday.
My uncle died and nobody told my family about his death. It got back to my father via the small town rumor mill and, after some investigating, he found out that my uncle underwent surgery at a hospital in New Orleans, where he died not long after. My father assumes that his body sat unclaimed long enough in the morgue to have been cremated by the city and laid to rest in pauper's field. There were no services held and, not only did we not know, no one else in our entire extended family knew either. The whole thing makes me very sad.
The issue weighing most heavily on me, however, is my mother's illness and the shocking rapidity with which it progresses. I skyped with my parents yesterday to find out more about my uncle. My father grabbed my mother to come and say hello to me, as usual; but this time, when she sat down at the computer, there was not the slightest flicker of recognition in her eyes as to what was happening. She knew my name and I think she knew I was her daughter, but we were not able to exchange even a few sentences for her utter confusion. It left me speechless - there is no depth to my awe of her disease. I hate that my father is alone in taking care of her, but know that the time of his reprieve will come very soon. I imagine it will take a few months, at the very most; and, in the meantime, all I can do is wait for a phone call or an email, asking me to come home and help find full-time care for her. If I believed in god any more, I would be praying for the mercy of a swift and quiet passing.
In light of all of this, I can't seem to give a shit about eating healthy food and exercising.
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