It has been a while since I've directly talked about eating and exercising. Travelling for three weeks put a serious kink in all my routines. Two of the first casualties were feeding myself healthy foods and getting regular exercise. I've been feeling lots of guilt and have been judging myself harshly, but I am going to cut that shit out right now. I'll get back on board.
Let me tell you how I'm going to do just that:
First of all, I went grocery shopping and bought lots of yummy veggies and fruits; now I'm gonna eat them.
Tomorrow, for instance, I'll have muesli and magerquark -- which is a dairy product that doesn't exist in the States, as far as I know; it's like a cross between cream cheese and sour cream; I know that sounds the farthest thing from healthy, but trust me, it's fine. For lunch, I will walk back home and have soup and a wasa sandwich. For dinner, I'll have a salad with tuna and chickpeas.
For exercise, I am counting walking back and forth between home and school, climbing all those blasted stairs AND . . . DRAGON BOAT training, y'all! So. excited.
Also, I am going to commit to doing the Couch to 5K. Yuh.
Expect updates :)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
10 day experiment in self acceptance, day 2
I forgive myself for my judgments.
I will not criticize myself for the remainder of today. I will not criticize myself tomorrow.
I trust in my goodness.
I resolve to treat myself with kindness.
I will not criticize myself for the remainder of today. I will not criticize myself tomorrow.
I trust in my goodness.
I resolve to treat myself with kindness.
dreamin
I had the most bizarre dream this morning . . . I dreamed that I was pregnant, due any minute and I could feel very obviously that my baby was breach. For some reason, my brother (who is a doctor) was supposed to deliver the baby, but I didn't want him all in my business, so to speak, so I just went ahead and "delivered" it myself. I didn't push or struggle, like most women giving birth, nor did I have surgery like all mothers must when their babies are facing in the wrong direction. I kind of just took the baby out, my belly along with it, and set it down on a table to let it rest, I suppose. My new-born infant was encased in a pouch and I spent the rest of the dream forgetting it in different places, running around to retrieve it and trying not to miss trains. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's right; although, it is all a little hazy at this point.
I might have to consult the dream dictionary about some of this stuff. I feel like I have an idea as to what this dream is about, but that I'd have to do some further inspection to really figure it out.
One thing is for sure: for years and years, I have been rather certain that I don't want to have children. My entire mind-set and opinion on the subject shifted about 2 weeks ago. When I was in Karslruhe, I got to see a dear friend of mine and I got to meet her new beau. They are adorably and sickeningly in love. It was a really profound experience to see this particular friend so devoted to a man . . . in the past, she'd always had boyfriends, but had not been so serious about them. This boyfriend, however, is a different story. He is one of the sweetest people I've ever met and meeting him and seeing how he treats my friend and makes her happy was eye-opening. Number one, I know without a doubt, that there are plenty of good men! Number two, I now understand why people have babies. I never got that before. Sure, I understood the biological reasons for wanting to have children -- though I doubted biology was driving most peoples' decision to procreate -- but I could never grasp to social reasons to have babies. I cynically believed that a lot of people decided to have babies, cause THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. That's what everyone did before them, ergo that's what they're going to do too. However, meeting my friend's man, and seeing how sincerely loving and giving he is, it all just clicked. Sometimes you have babies because you think your unborn baby has the right to have this person as their father. This man has the right to be an amazing father to someone. And you want to share the enriching, life-altering experience that is having children, with him. Sometimes, a man is so good, that it seems the world is begging for his off-spring.
Even all this jive may have nothing to do with people wanting to have and having babies. However, this was my revelation. This would be my reason for having children with someone. No, I'm not going to go out and get knocked up, cause I've got Liz Lemon-sized baby fever. But hopefully, if and when I meet a man who is good and golden and caring, these will be my reasons for having his children.
I might have to consult the dream dictionary about some of this stuff. I feel like I have an idea as to what this dream is about, but that I'd have to do some further inspection to really figure it out.
One thing is for sure: for years and years, I have been rather certain that I don't want to have children. My entire mind-set and opinion on the subject shifted about 2 weeks ago. When I was in Karslruhe, I got to see a dear friend of mine and I got to meet her new beau. They are adorably and sickeningly in love. It was a really profound experience to see this particular friend so devoted to a man . . . in the past, she'd always had boyfriends, but had not been so serious about them. This boyfriend, however, is a different story. He is one of the sweetest people I've ever met and meeting him and seeing how he treats my friend and makes her happy was eye-opening. Number one, I know without a doubt, that there are plenty of good men! Number two, I now understand why people have babies. I never got that before. Sure, I understood the biological reasons for wanting to have children -- though I doubted biology was driving most peoples' decision to procreate -- but I could never grasp to social reasons to have babies. I cynically believed that a lot of people decided to have babies, cause THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. That's what everyone did before them, ergo that's what they're going to do too. However, meeting my friend's man, and seeing how sincerely loving and giving he is, it all just clicked. Sometimes you have babies because you think your unborn baby has the right to have this person as their father. This man has the right to be an amazing father to someone. And you want to share the enriching, life-altering experience that is having children, with him. Sometimes, a man is so good, that it seems the world is begging for his off-spring.
Even all this jive may have nothing to do with people wanting to have and having babies. However, this was my revelation. This would be my reason for having children with someone. No, I'm not going to go out and get knocked up, cause I've got Liz Lemon-sized baby fever. But hopefully, if and when I meet a man who is good and golden and caring, these will be my reasons for having his children.
Monday, March 28, 2011
hmmm
I got to thinking . . . I'm not sure there's a point to my writing. I think it might just be totally masturbatory.
I wonder if this might work better as a solely off-line exercise?
I wonder if this might work better as a solely off-line exercise?
10 day experiment in self acceptance
"What is most authentic about you? What do you want people to really know about you? Who are you without your ego? Be still, and really listen to how you answer. Write down the qualities that describe your real, unconditioned self."
What is most authentic about me? My heart and warmth were the first things to occur to me.
What do I want people to know about me? That I want to be as open and loving as possible. I want people to feel understood and accepted. I want to get along with people and treat them fairly.
Who am I without my ego? Space. Light. Love. Kindness. Peace. Stillness.
The qualities that describe my unconditioned self? Connected, loving, wise and intuitive. Non-judgmental. Nurturing and kind. Patient.
What is most authentic about me? My heart and warmth were the first things to occur to me.
What do I want people to know about me? That I want to be as open and loving as possible. I want people to feel understood and accepted. I want to get along with people and treat them fairly.
Who am I without my ego? Space. Light. Love. Kindness. Peace. Stillness.
The qualities that describe my unconditioned self? Connected, loving, wise and intuitive. Non-judgmental. Nurturing and kind. Patient.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
zerfliessende Zeit
There are only 3 months remaining in my English teaching assistanceship! My time here has melted away as quickly as I assumed it would, but it's still something of a shock.
I have been fretting for a while about what's going to happen, where I'll land, what I'll do. Fretting is not a necessary aspect of planning for the future, but because I have devoted a lot of time and energy to thinking about what I do and do not want, I have come to certain conclusions that will help me in my approaching frenzied search for a teaching position. First and foremost, I have determined that it is of utmost importance to me to have a full-time, well-paid position. I considered applying for a second year, but I am almost 100% certain that I don't want to do a second year of assistant teaching. I am over-qualified and I want to earn more money. Secondly, I want to stay in Germany. I would really like to stay in Hamburg, but I am OK with moving to a different part of the country if it happens I cannot find a teaching position here. I really like the people in the North, I like my lifestyle even more; but, I can easily adjust to life in a different part of the country, especially if I land in the south, where I've already spent a year before. I have dear friends still living in southern Germany and the weather is nicer down there. What's more, I want to continue improving my German and learning other foreign languages, and it is significantly easier to pursue that goal here than it is in the States. Also, when I go to grad school, I know the perfect program/University for me, which is in Germersheim (though I will NEVER live there again). *I rode past Germersheim on the train while I was in Karlsruhe visiting friends and my stomach kind of dropped. Just the thought of visiting gave me hives, which I know doesn't bode well for studying there in the future. However, if I live somewhere else, I think it'll be totally manageable.*
I want to herewith shed the worry from my job hunt. It is pointless and I will be more successful and happier overall if I leave it out of the equation. Having said that, I'd like to create a fruitful job search: I want a full-time position that is well-paid and in a city that will continue to foster a healthy, happy lifestyle. And if I work hard, keep a positive attitude and stay persistent, I know I will find exactly what I want. I'll find exactly what I need.
I have been fretting for a while about what's going to happen, where I'll land, what I'll do. Fretting is not a necessary aspect of planning for the future, but because I have devoted a lot of time and energy to thinking about what I do and do not want, I have come to certain conclusions that will help me in my approaching frenzied search for a teaching position. First and foremost, I have determined that it is of utmost importance to me to have a full-time, well-paid position. I considered applying for a second year, but I am almost 100% certain that I don't want to do a second year of assistant teaching. I am over-qualified and I want to earn more money. Secondly, I want to stay in Germany. I would really like to stay in Hamburg, but I am OK with moving to a different part of the country if it happens I cannot find a teaching position here. I really like the people in the North, I like my lifestyle even more; but, I can easily adjust to life in a different part of the country, especially if I land in the south, where I've already spent a year before. I have dear friends still living in southern Germany and the weather is nicer down there. What's more, I want to continue improving my German and learning other foreign languages, and it is significantly easier to pursue that goal here than it is in the States. Also, when I go to grad school, I know the perfect program/University for me, which is in Germersheim (though I will NEVER live there again). *I rode past Germersheim on the train while I was in Karlsruhe visiting friends and my stomach kind of dropped. Just the thought of visiting gave me hives, which I know doesn't bode well for studying there in the future. However, if I live somewhere else, I think it'll be totally manageable.*
I want to herewith shed the worry from my job hunt. It is pointless and I will be more successful and happier overall if I leave it out of the equation. Having said that, I'd like to create a fruitful job search: I want a full-time position that is well-paid and in a city that will continue to foster a healthy, happy lifestyle. And if I work hard, keep a positive attitude and stay persistent, I know I will find exactly what I want. I'll find exactly what I need.
Friday, March 25, 2011
living in reverse
I've known for some time that I am a late-bloomer. Given the events of the past few months, it has even felt like I am living in reverse. This statement is vague, I realize, but it is in reference to the recent boom in romantic intrigue in my life. There's one story in particular, which is the primary inspiration for this living-in-reverse assertion, that I'd like to share.
I have had the past three weeks off of school and have taken advantage of the time off to the fullest by travelling. My first stop was Barcelona, which is an incredible, incredible city. My second stop was Karslruhe, Germany. Clearly less renowned and spectacular than Barcelona, but just as important, as dear, dear friends from Germany version 1.0 live there. After my trip to Spain, I returned to Hamburg for a few days to have dinner with friends and do laundry before hitting the road again for another two weeks. There is a ride share system in Germany (called Mitfahrgelegenheit), which is mostly convenient and much more affordable than the trains. Rides can, however, not work out for a number of reasons, most of which have to do with people being unreliable or slightly unhinged. I was supposed to leave on a Sunday for Karlsruhe, but it ended up falling through because the driver couldn't get his shit together. I contacted my friend to let her know I wouldn't be able to make it out that day, and she was kind enough to find another ride for me leaving the following day at 11.
Our meeting point was a gas station close to the Feldstrasse subway stop. I was a little stressed when I arrived because I was 10 minutes late, and after having waited myself for over 2 hours at the central train station the previous day, I didn't want to return the favor to my new ride. The driver greeted me, shook my hand and let me know we were still waiting for his sister, the final Mitfahrer, to arrive. The other rider was there when I showed up, punctual and slightly aloof, but cute nonetheless. We didn't really speak to each other, and I assumed that it might remain as such for the up-coming 6-7 hours of the drive. I took the opportunity to use the restroom while we waited for the final rider. When I came out, she had arrived and we were preparing to depart. As I approached the car, I said aloud to no one in particular, "That was disgusting."
Much to my surprise, my backseat partner, addressed me and asked, "The bathroom, you mean?"
"Ja," I responded.
We set off with the siblings in the front seat talking back and forth about family stuff, more than likely. The driver asked me my relationship to the two cities, Hamburg and Karlsruhe. I said that I lived and worked as a foreign language assistant in Hamburg and that I was going to Karlsruhe to visit friends. After the niceties, we continued south-bound with brother and sister catch-up in the front and silence in the back. I couldn't help but sneak sideways glances at the hotty sitting next to me in the backseat. I spied as much as I could from the neck down and thought, "You are killing me with those hands and forearms." It sounds weird, I know, but I'm a sucker for both. After driving for what felt like ages, we stopped at a rest-stop to use the restroom and get food. Being that I was SUPER broke, I didn't join the rest of the Mitfahrer at Burger King, but rather scrounged some change together and ate a bag of bell pepper flavored chips by myself in a comfy, leather seat at the front of the building. I sat facing people exiting BK, so I wouldn't miss my fellow travelers. Cutie from the backseat was the first to exit. He saw me and start flagging his arms forward, as if to say, move your shit, we gotta go! I fell for it, gathered my belongings and shot up out of the chair. With a look of concern, I asked, "Is everyone finished?"
"Yeah, of course. They've already left," he answered with a bright smirk. My worry broke, I chuckled and joined him on the walk to the car. "Weren't you hungry," he asked.
"No, it wasn't that," I replied and held up the crumpled bag of chips as evidence. "I'm just mega broke right now."
"It happens," he said with a comforting tone.
Back in the car, he struck up a more in-depth conversation. He asked me where I was from, what I did as a foreign language teaching assistant, how I liked Hamburg. I found out he was a teacher at a high school in the south and that he was funny and mischievous. The conversation ceased almost as suddenly as it had began, and our heads began to nod as we both faded off into sleep. I had placed my hand on the seat in between the both of us and found myself leaning slightly to the middle, toward my dozing fellow traveler. He must have been doing the same, since our shoulders and arms were brushing and eventually full-on touching. I worried that I was encroaching on his personal space, so I leaned closer to the window to get out of his bubble. I felt a light pressure on the tips of my fingers and thought maybe he was one of those sleepers who tosses and turns and that his thigh had accidentally landed on my hand (which makes no sense at all, now that I've seen it in print). The light pressure moved over more of my hand and, thinking it curious, I peeked my eyes open to see that it was in fact not his thigh, but his hand reaching out to grab mine. A shock of warmth and electricity washed over me as I welcomed the advance. "Whoa! Sexy Mitfahr," I thought. "What the hell is going on?!"
It was at this point, when I was caressing and holding hands in the backseat of a car like a teenager, that it occurred to me I might be living my life in reverse. When I was a girl, hell even a year ago, if someone had told me that my dance card would be full (and a geography lesson, at that) I would have assumed they were talking about someone else. Someone who is not me. Now that I think about it though, I think I really am someone else. Or, I am not the person I have a tendency to think I am. Or maybe I'm not the person I thought I was. At any rate, what little time I've spent in Germany -- version 2.0 -- has completely changed (is completely changing) what I thought I knew about myself. I'm excited about the changes, to see how they will stir things up in my life and how everything will reconfigure once I find a place to settle down. I'm also excited, because I feel like I am on the verge of something . . . on a precipice. I feel like there's something, rather many somethings, major and remarkable on my horizon.
I have had the past three weeks off of school and have taken advantage of the time off to the fullest by travelling. My first stop was Barcelona, which is an incredible, incredible city. My second stop was Karslruhe, Germany. Clearly less renowned and spectacular than Barcelona, but just as important, as dear, dear friends from Germany version 1.0 live there. After my trip to Spain, I returned to Hamburg for a few days to have dinner with friends and do laundry before hitting the road again for another two weeks. There is a ride share system in Germany (called Mitfahrgelegenheit), which is mostly convenient and much more affordable than the trains. Rides can, however, not work out for a number of reasons, most of which have to do with people being unreliable or slightly unhinged. I was supposed to leave on a Sunday for Karlsruhe, but it ended up falling through because the driver couldn't get his shit together. I contacted my friend to let her know I wouldn't be able to make it out that day, and she was kind enough to find another ride for me leaving the following day at 11.
Our meeting point was a gas station close to the Feldstrasse subway stop. I was a little stressed when I arrived because I was 10 minutes late, and after having waited myself for over 2 hours at the central train station the previous day, I didn't want to return the favor to my new ride. The driver greeted me, shook my hand and let me know we were still waiting for his sister, the final Mitfahrer, to arrive. The other rider was there when I showed up, punctual and slightly aloof, but cute nonetheless. We didn't really speak to each other, and I assumed that it might remain as such for the up-coming 6-7 hours of the drive. I took the opportunity to use the restroom while we waited for the final rider. When I came out, she had arrived and we were preparing to depart. As I approached the car, I said aloud to no one in particular, "That was disgusting."
Much to my surprise, my backseat partner, addressed me and asked, "The bathroom, you mean?"
"Ja," I responded.
We set off with the siblings in the front seat talking back and forth about family stuff, more than likely. The driver asked me my relationship to the two cities, Hamburg and Karlsruhe. I said that I lived and worked as a foreign language assistant in Hamburg and that I was going to Karlsruhe to visit friends. After the niceties, we continued south-bound with brother and sister catch-up in the front and silence in the back. I couldn't help but sneak sideways glances at the hotty sitting next to me in the backseat. I spied as much as I could from the neck down and thought, "You are killing me with those hands and forearms." It sounds weird, I know, but I'm a sucker for both. After driving for what felt like ages, we stopped at a rest-stop to use the restroom and get food. Being that I was SUPER broke, I didn't join the rest of the Mitfahrer at Burger King, but rather scrounged some change together and ate a bag of bell pepper flavored chips by myself in a comfy, leather seat at the front of the building. I sat facing people exiting BK, so I wouldn't miss my fellow travelers. Cutie from the backseat was the first to exit. He saw me and start flagging his arms forward, as if to say, move your shit, we gotta go! I fell for it, gathered my belongings and shot up out of the chair. With a look of concern, I asked, "Is everyone finished?"
"Yeah, of course. They've already left," he answered with a bright smirk. My worry broke, I chuckled and joined him on the walk to the car. "Weren't you hungry," he asked.
"No, it wasn't that," I replied and held up the crumpled bag of chips as evidence. "I'm just mega broke right now."
"It happens," he said with a comforting tone.
Back in the car, he struck up a more in-depth conversation. He asked me where I was from, what I did as a foreign language teaching assistant, how I liked Hamburg. I found out he was a teacher at a high school in the south and that he was funny and mischievous. The conversation ceased almost as suddenly as it had began, and our heads began to nod as we both faded off into sleep. I had placed my hand on the seat in between the both of us and found myself leaning slightly to the middle, toward my dozing fellow traveler. He must have been doing the same, since our shoulders and arms were brushing and eventually full-on touching. I worried that I was encroaching on his personal space, so I leaned closer to the window to get out of his bubble. I felt a light pressure on the tips of my fingers and thought maybe he was one of those sleepers who tosses and turns and that his thigh had accidentally landed on my hand (which makes no sense at all, now that I've seen it in print). The light pressure moved over more of my hand and, thinking it curious, I peeked my eyes open to see that it was in fact not his thigh, but his hand reaching out to grab mine. A shock of warmth and electricity washed over me as I welcomed the advance. "Whoa! Sexy Mitfahr," I thought. "What the hell is going on?!"
It was at this point, when I was caressing and holding hands in the backseat of a car like a teenager, that it occurred to me I might be living my life in reverse. When I was a girl, hell even a year ago, if someone had told me that my dance card would be full (and a geography lesson, at that) I would have assumed they were talking about someone else. Someone who is not me. Now that I think about it though, I think I really am someone else. Or, I am not the person I have a tendency to think I am. Or maybe I'm not the person I thought I was. At any rate, what little time I've spent in Germany -- version 2.0 -- has completely changed (is completely changing) what I thought I knew about myself. I'm excited about the changes, to see how they will stir things up in my life and how everything will reconfigure once I find a place to settle down. I'm also excited, because I feel like I am on the verge of something . . . on a precipice. I feel like there's something, rather many somethings, major and remarkable on my horizon.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
blech
Today has been trying, and I am not even half-way through.
The past couple weeks can be summed up with: I'm not sure I am cut out for being a teacher . . .
I still don't have an answer to that question. I don't know that I ever will. But, I don't really have other areas of expertise, so teaching it is for right now. I've been feeling pretty dejected and impotent and beating myself up for not being stronger or more assertive. Which obviously helps nothing. I've been doubting recently that I'll ever be able to stand up for myself. I've been doubting my ability to be fair to other people; to accept them, faults and all; to not, at some point, act the ass. I've been feeling pinned underneath perceived judgments of other people. I guess the truth is, I hate that I haven't figured out how to not make mistakes. I hate that I'm not perfect. It's sick, it's impossible, I know this. But that's probably what is at the core of what I've been feeling.
Really, I should be more patient. An experience like moving abroad -- even though I've already spent an extended amount of time in this country -- is bound to stir things up. I think I expect that eventually I'll get the hang of being an adult, of being human, and I won't struggle with things like speaking up, liking myself and keeping my temper in check. But that is a false assumption, clearly. Also, I think that the vision I have for myself and my life calls for constant challenge. If I'm never uncomfortable or questioning things, then my life would become stagnant. I would cease looking within. I would live on auto-pilot. Evolve or die, right? I'll keep choosing to evolve. Is it ever going to get easier, though? Will I ever find grace in this process?
One positive thing before I go back to school: I came home and did a little meditating to reconnect to something central and unmoving. I feel a little better.
More later . . .
The past couple weeks can be summed up with: I'm not sure I am cut out for being a teacher . . .
I still don't have an answer to that question. I don't know that I ever will. But, I don't really have other areas of expertise, so teaching it is for right now. I've been feeling pretty dejected and impotent and beating myself up for not being stronger or more assertive. Which obviously helps nothing. I've been doubting recently that I'll ever be able to stand up for myself. I've been doubting my ability to be fair to other people; to accept them, faults and all; to not, at some point, act the ass. I've been feeling pinned underneath perceived judgments of other people. I guess the truth is, I hate that I haven't figured out how to not make mistakes. I hate that I'm not perfect. It's sick, it's impossible, I know this. But that's probably what is at the core of what I've been feeling.
Really, I should be more patient. An experience like moving abroad -- even though I've already spent an extended amount of time in this country -- is bound to stir things up. I think I expect that eventually I'll get the hang of being an adult, of being human, and I won't struggle with things like speaking up, liking myself and keeping my temper in check. But that is a false assumption, clearly. Also, I think that the vision I have for myself and my life calls for constant challenge. If I'm never uncomfortable or questioning things, then my life would become stagnant. I would cease looking within. I would live on auto-pilot. Evolve or die, right? I'll keep choosing to evolve. Is it ever going to get easier, though? Will I ever find grace in this process?
One positive thing before I go back to school: I came home and did a little meditating to reconnect to something central and unmoving. I feel a little better.
More later . . .
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