blech

Today has been trying, and I am not even half-way through.
The past couple weeks can be summed up with: I'm not sure I am cut out for being a teacher . . .
I still don't have an answer to that question. I don't know that I ever will. But, I don't really have other areas of expertise, so teaching it is for right now. I've been feeling pretty dejected and impotent and beating myself up for not being stronger or more assertive. Which obviously helps nothing. I've been doubting recently that I'll ever be able to stand up for myself. I've been doubting my ability to be fair to other people; to accept them, faults and all; to not, at some point, act the ass. I've been feeling pinned underneath perceived judgments of other people. I guess the truth is, I hate that I haven't figured out how to not make mistakes. I hate that I'm not perfect. It's sick, it's impossible, I know this. But that's probably what is at the core of what I've been feeling.
Really, I should be more patient. An experience like moving abroad -- even though I've already spent an extended amount of time in this country -- is bound to stir things up. I think I expect that eventually I'll get the hang of being an adult, of being human, and I won't struggle with things like speaking up, liking myself and keeping my temper in check. But that is a false assumption, clearly. Also, I think that the vision I have for myself and my life calls for constant challenge. If I'm never uncomfortable or questioning things, then my life would become stagnant. I would cease looking within. I would live on auto-pilot. Evolve or die, right? I'll keep choosing to evolve. Is it ever going to get easier, though? Will I ever find grace in this process?
One positive thing before I go back to school: I came home and did a little meditating to reconnect to something central and unmoving. I feel a little better.
More later . . .