forecast for tomorrow morning: light

I keep reporting the same thing -- work is really challenging and stressful -- like I think it's going to change at any second. I suspect that it will change like anything else: in smalls shifts over an extended period of time. Patience wasn't proclaimed to be a virtue for unfounded reasons.
I had my first French lesson this morning and I have devoir (the language nerd in me is STOKED, do you hear me?!), which is homework if memory serves correctly. Operation get a Dutch bike was a bust, because I got a little turned around when going to pick it up and didn't make it to the dude's house on time. Which in the end was a stay of execution, cause it is mercilessly freezing in the 'Burg right now. This came as something of a shock since I had decided at least a month ago we'd skip all that shit this year. This is how convinced I was that we'd have a totally mild winter: when I woke up the other morning to the first hearty, sticking snow of the year, I thought in bewilderment, "Since when are all those rooftops white?" ...wait for it... God dammit! I thought I said no snow! Operation fast with my super-boo is on hold until we can settle on a plan of attack and solidify some logistics. But both those Operations will be successfully underway in no time, rest assured.
Gotta turn in now, ready poos. Sexy beast needs its rest.

damn, girl

Readers,

Work is still pretty intense, but I sensed a marked change in the force ... in the form of much less anxiety and self-inflicted pressure. Baby steps, baby steps.

21 day fasting through February, y'all.  More to come on what that will entail.

Starting French tomorrow and getting a bike! If only Winter would fuck off ... I had forgotten about that crusty, white snow funk that's all over everything in the thicket of winter. Yeah, that shit's gross. Still, though. Not to oversell it, but the transition from winter to spring almost makes the long, dark bleakness worthwhile. Coming from someone who experienced a total of 2 seasons for most of her life -- and who is all granola-y and into nature shit -- I find experiencing all 4 seasons to be profound. It reminds me of the transience of all things, human life first and foremost.

This is a truncated post, I know, but I'll leave you with the greatest thing I've seen online all day. *Sigh* The internetz are destroying my sense of time.

happy sunday

Whoa ... I am sitting here, looking at not only my new big-girl bed, but also a room full of furniture! It's hard to believe especially when think back to the day I moved in here with nothing more than a heap of clothes, books, toiletries and a couple lamps overflowing from blue, plastic ikea bags. It is fulfilling, but I feel tired when I imagine the day (that will probably come soon) I have to move out. I tell you, readership ... I have moved so many times since coming to Hamburg that it exhausts me just thinking about it. I am in that semi-homeless situation again ... you know, you have a place to live and everything you need (so in the most important and literal sense, I am obviously not homeless), but just the thought of going home makes you feel uncomfortable and a little sad. It's an awful feeling that I determined many years ago was really unhealthy for me, so it has to change ... but it simply cannot be remedied right away. Especially in this city, where finding a place to live can be like a no-so-intense hell. Let's call it Diet Hell (coming soon: Diet Cherry Vanilla Hell!). Anteeway, es wird sich was ergeben, as the Germans say. Which means something like, something will work out.
So that's partially what's been going on on the emotional front.
On the nutrition and exercise front, all has been quiet. Not in the sense that everything has been great (it hasn't been totally awful, either) but more in the sense that I feel I have not been giving it the time and attention it deserves and needs. My eating has been completely irregular, borderline chaotic at times. And I have not gotten the formal exercise I would have liked. Although, I have gotten at least some movement within this week, so that's more or less fine. I would like to add, that I have not yet safely landed in my current situation, which is still almost 100% foreign to me. I also had a visitor last week, which sometimes makes it difficult to adhere to routines.
I have been feeling really bloated and gross, which is a sign to me that my body wants more love and attention. I think the fact that I can recognize that, as opposed to proclaiming myself to be bloated and gross, is a sign that I am actually doing fairly well. Yes, I need to do more personal care-taking, but I recognize that and I am willing to do the work. So, all in all, I still feel like things are moving in a really positive, healthy direction.
More tomorrow ... :)

guys, guys, seriously, seriously you guys

I had my bloggy open and ready to fill with my already-half-asleep wisdom last night, but the Sandman had other plans. So I've missed two days in the challenge. It's a bummer and I'm somewhat disappointed, but coming up with something else to feel guilty/ashamed about is, I'm pretty sure, the exact opposite of the point. At any rate, I can't blog for too long right now, cause I have to go pick up my very own grown-up sized BED. That's right. No more sleeping on a pathetic little mattress (don't get me wrong, I am truly happy to have had it) on the ground ...
Anteeway, more later, cause now I have to boogy!

so. tired.

I cannot wait until tomorrow evening.

woops, heheheh

Readership,
This mernting was a doozer. Not long after getting in to work, I got wise to about three to seven different things that had been fucked up due, in some part, to me. Despair washed over me, as well as the urge to cry (ha, I wish that weren't true, but it so totally is), but I somehow didn't totally lose it. I remembered to breathe (probably thanks to this bloggy challenge, which is thanks to my super-boo Rayf) and managed to continue treading water throughout the rest of the day. This job feels to me like grad school, some how. And it's important to me to stay present each and every day, so that I not only learn heaps, but also because it's always all about the journey. I don't want to be white-knuckling and wincing through the entire process of getting my Seafight legs, because some part of me knows how unbelievably good and unfathomably valuable it is for me to suck at this before I get better. Also, I haven't actually talked about this to Rayf yet, but I can feel without any doubt that this job will forever change my life in a significant way. I clearly have no way of knowing how exactly, but I just know it will. In some ways it already has.
Alright, dearies. This bitch is headin to Veg-out Village before pullin into Sleepytown. See y'all hoes tomorrow.

bloggy challenge, day 2

Still feeling pretty overwhelmed with everything, but doing my best to let it roll off my back. Also trying my hardest to believe in myself, stay positive and BREATHE (almost more than anything else).
The new job is my main source of stress. Most of the pressure I am feeling is coming from me, though the never-ending list of translations and barrage of new information probably contribute to it, as well.
I don't have much to add about my eating and exercise today, mainly because I feel like I've some settling to do before I can press myself to being uber-healthy.
Aside from all of this, I am feeling grateful for wonderful, supportive friends. Also, I am looking forward to rising to this new set of challenges in my life.

Kopfschmerzen

My super friend issued a challenge to me to block (zhat's how zhe Chermans pronoune blog) every day this week and I accepted, so here goes:

I. AM. SUPER. STRESSED.
This new job is kind of kicking my ass, but therein lies the awesomeness. I am going to learn tons and tons and my task is to remain patient with myself and persistent in actively doing my best. I don't have a plan of action just yet, but I will come up with something and let you know.
Also, I am charging myself with getting SOME kind of formal exercise this week, cause that didn't go so well last week. Also, I think I still need to slow down when eating. I think it will help if I make sure to put down my utensils in between bites.
Real quick entry today ... more tomorrow!

new chapter

Tomorrow will be my first day of work at my new job ... I am pretty nervous on the one hand, but on the other hand I've had so many jobs that I know my nerves are just a part of it. Everyone is a freshman from time to time and the optimist in me can't help but assume throwing myself into new situations is good for me and will eventually pay off.
I have gotten very little formal exercise this past week and my eating habits have been pretty awful ... I don't really have a plan of action at the moment, beyond my resolutions. I just needed to own up to still feeling off-track.
Today I have been feeling super super lonely, isolated and sad. I think some of it has to do with my trip back home and how surprisingly difficult it was to say goodbye. Yes, I like this city. Yes, I have a new job. Yes, I am making friends. But I still feel so out of place. Like nothing belongs to me. I still have relatively little that is anchoring me here or any where for that matter and I am beginning to wonder if that feeling will ever fade.
Basically, something feels incomplete, missing, out of place or just plain wrong. And I am worried about "getting it together."
I promise to write at least something about my travels to the US and of my first day at work.
In order to feel better or at least fully feel my emotions, I will sit in meditation before going to bed. I will also get at least some formal exercise.

tabula rasa

Ahhh, the new year! There is nothing that appeals to my innate goal-planning than the ushering in of a new year. I did not personally have a terrible 2011 ... it was right as rain, though one of my dearest, closest friends had an awful 2011. So, in that sense, I am happy for her that it is behind us all. I know personally that about 2008-half of 2010 could have gone and fucked themselves for all I cared. It just goes to show that we all have our valleys.
I have been meditating on where my precious energy should go in the up-coming year. Not surprisingly, the top spots are occupied by nutrition and exercise, in that order. Which raises an important distinction between last year's bright-eyed ambitions: 1) finding love is not a goal for 2012 and 2) finding a challenging career in a city that I love that pays well isn't either (for much more exciting reasons)! Finding love has been something I've wanted for the past decade or so, which is not to say I would turn it down were it to find me now. But, enh, is all. You know what I mean? In case you don't, I mean that I will not slather tons of expectations for some great romance on this up-coming year. And number 2 is taking effect on January 15th, officially (translating German to English for a company here in H'burg)! Not too shabby, amirite?
This year I'd like to spend a lot, a lot of time on loving and caring for myself.
Some of my resolutions include: 1) riding my bike to work, 2) no red meat, no poultry, limited seafood and dairy products/incorporating lots of fruit and veg into my diet, 3) a 21-day detox, 4) 2-3 days a week of formal exercise and 5) my own apartment.
I'm going to sign off for now, but I know that I owe you a report on my travels in the US ...