I have been feeling especially stuck in my head recently. Let me give you some quick background . . .
I already mentioned in a previous post that one of my "goals" for 2011 is to have a love-life again. As it turns out, I've had more activity in that sphere of my life, which has been a shot in the arm. However, I had what I thought was a really fun date with someone I was actually excited about a few weeks ago; but, I haven't heard from him since, which has been super disappointing for me. My roommate asked me today if I'd heard from the guy, to which I had to respond, "no," with an undertone of "le sigh." And I think that question and the resulting mini-conversation stirred up recursive thoughts and feelings to the effect of: "What's wrong with me? Why doesn't this person like me? Why hasn't he called?". Which I round off with, "Maybe he will call eventually?".
I guess it's just hard for me to understand, assuming we both had a good time, why he wouldn't want to see me again. What's more, it has been difficult for me to accept that, if he hasn't called at this point, he probably is not ever going to. As a good friend pointed out, I have trouble letting go.
I promise I'm not turning into Carrie Bradshaw, but allow me to follow through.
I know that these thoughts and feelings are irrational. I know that they are "white noise." They are old, old tracks that have worn deep ruts in my mind. Which does make it difficult to let them play out without believing them. It doesn't mean, though, that I am not going to do anything to change those tracks. I guess the best, most positive thing I could do is reclaim ownership of my love-life. Instead of being so focused on what HE is and isn't doing, I will focus more on what I am doing. How am I taking care of myself? Have I done things today that make me feel happy? What is it that I want in a partner?
I know that I will feel better and, to borrow a phrase, "pick myself back up." I just have my dark side of the moon moments. I know that I will meet someone special, even if it sometimes feel like I won't or that it will never happen. The only sane thing to do is move on with my life.
Speaking of which . . .
This week has been really good for me and exercise, friends! I started the Couch to 5K plan: this afternoon was my third day of the first week of training. I walk-jogged to the gym and then attended a pilates class, which ended up being a pretty mindful and surprisingly strenuous practice. My goal was to take all the negative fluff I'd had swirling around my mind and use the exercise to release it. Honestly, it was still somewhat there after working out, but I did feel excellent. Maybe that's why I decided to write . . . maybe I knew I needed another outlet to release more of that negative energy.
One thing that occurred to me while I was in Pilates today was this: we work out in a room with an entire wall of mirror panels. Totally normal, right? I noticed that I was scanning my body's reflected image, looking for things to hate and judge. And all of sudden, I made myself stop and promise that judging my body while I am WORKING OUT is strictly verboten! No more of that shit. It's so counterproductive and mean. I know as well as those mirrors that there are things about my body that make me uncomfortable. BUT THAT'S WHY I WORKOUT. So no more self-sabotage when I am doing exactly what I should be doing when I want to change things about myself that I think could be better.
My eating has been OK, I think. I say just OK, because even though I can't think of specific examples, I have a feeling that it could have been better. But I know it wasn't bad, so that kicks all kinds of ass.
My meditating has been spotty, which is the same thing I have always struggled with: continuity. However, I did dedicate time to meditating, so that's pretty ballin as well.
Overall, a good week, y'all.
Now, let's see if I can find some excerpts from my Geneen journal I'd like to share:
-- What are your deepest convictions and how do you think they end up on your plate?
"Obviously, I am a very passionate person, full of life and generosity. I have a huge heart and an expansive and exuberant personality. I have far-reaching, sometimes lofty goals, and I never give up (though I do stumble and get discouraged). I think the 'bigness' and intensity of who I am is what shows up on my plate."
-- Do you use food when things are hard? If so, does using food make things easier?
" . . . I know I still use food sometimes to ease tension, sadness and other negative emotions.
When I do use food when life is difficult, there is a brief flicker of comfort; however, it never lasts long and always makes me feel worse than I did before."
"The biggest, greatest 'up' of my weight history corresponds to a small shift in my consciousness. I'd done some work with a therapist and he helped me make certain connections that I'd never made before. For instance, I finally realized that me health is a function of nurturing and caring for myself, which was pretty revolutionary for me, especially considering before I'd only ever wanted to look, 'right.' The work I did with him helped me realize that I needed to give myself kindness and love. That, paired with the realization that I needed a slow, steady approach to weight loss -- making small changes and incorporating them into my life very gradually -- allowed me to achieve GREAT success over a period of about 1.5-2 years. This was easily the happiest time of my adult life."
Alright, babies. I'm gonna stop here. More to come later! :)
