Accountability

I was supposed to go to the gym yesterday, but I didn't. What I did instead, was get off of the subway one stop early so as to enjoy a longer walk home. The walk was brisk, pinky swear! More importantly, though, it was enjoyable, albeit cold. I also did about 5-7 minutes of Pilates before I went to bed. Overall that did not amount to that much exercise, but I was pleased that I took the time to inject some motion into my day.
I did go to the gym today and did about 35 minutes of cardio and about 10 minutes of strength training. My goal is to get cardio most days every week and do some kind of strength training at least twice a week. I totally think that's doable.
I also managed to step on the scale before I left, which is something that always strikes fear into my heart. The number is too high, but at least it's lower than the last time I stepped on a scale. That was quite some time ago though, so whatever I've been doing over the past few months clearly hasn't been working. I am going to keep weighing myself like I promised, because I think it will help me stay accountable to myself.
My eating was clean today. All I need to do is plan so that I have to make significantly fewer decisions about food during the day. The goal right now is to watch my carbs and eat mostly plant-based, portion-controlled meals.

Since this past weekend, I've been consciously loving myself more (a la Louise Hay) and I can already feel a difference. I am convinced self-love has to be the driving force behind the changes I wish to make.Not only that, but how could anything bad ever come from loving myself?

That's it for now, kittens. I believe in all of you!

you can't be mad at yourself all the time

The boyf has been working on a project at work that he really cares about and enjoys. He was detailing what he's been working on for the past week and said how pleased he was with the outcome. I told him I was proud of him and he said that he was proud of himself and added something to the effect of, "You can't be mad at yourself all the time." What he said was not in any way directed at me, but it unexpectedly hit a nerve. In that moment, I realized that I'd dropped the ball recently in liking, much less loving, myself and, in a rush, I felt the toll that that takes on my entire person. This past weekend, I made a concerted effort to be gentler with and kinder to myself and this is my pledge to keep it up!
This past weekend, I remembered the "change comes from within" lesson I've learned and forgotten a handful of times over the years. So this is my pledge to commit time every day to loving myself. I honestly do not believe positive change will be possible without it.
The new "diet" hasn't been going as well as it could, also because of some self-hate and because I haven't been dedicating enough time to meal-planning.
Also, I haven't forgotten about my promise to weigh myself on a regular basis to stay accountable. Going to the gym tonight and, as much as I don't want to, I will weigh myself then.

K, gotta jet. More later! I believe in all of you!

real quick

I gotta get this off my chest real quick - I am dealing with some serious self-doubt today. Feeling like I'll never figure this out :/ I hope that I turn my negative attitude around, but I wanted to put it out there regardless.
More later.

derailed

Alright, so I did some poking around into the LOGI Method, which is basically a low glycemic index diet, if I am not mistaken. I've been wanting to look more into that recently anyway and it seems to be ok. The only thing I cannot get excited about it baked beans straight outta the can, which some examples suggest. At any rate, I am willing to give it a try as of, let's say, Thursday/Friday of this week. Things haven't been going great in terms of portion control, so I welcome to changeroo.
Working out got totally derailed last week thanks to illness. I should keep riding pine until my cough has gotten a little better, but I don't want to milk that any longer than Wednesday of this week.

One thing that just occurred to me is that while this blog is good for keeping me plugged in, keeping me motivated, I need something that will hold me more accountable than never checking on progress. So I pledge to start weighing myself every two weeks, as much as I really hate doing that. What doesn't kill us, right?
I really want to see results and I have to be willing to make changes if I ever hope to see the progress I've been dreaming about for the past four to five years. Turns out you've gotta do more than just dream about it.

Today it's all I can do to believe in myself, but I still believe in all of you!

experimentin'

Happy Weekend, everyone!

Again, nothing earth-shattering on my part. Just that I'll be looking into a new "diet" (sorry guys, it's all in German) this weekend to see if it's a viable option for me. Normally when it comes to diets, I am not at all a believer, as I think they are inherently flawed. Diets are things that you begin and end and I believe that weight loss should be the result of a lifestyle change - that is, if you want to be able to maintain it. I prefer to think of a diet as what it actually is; namely, the food you use to fuel your body every day. I believe if a diet doesn't appeal to you, if you cannot see yourself eating that way for an extended period of time, it will only grant you short-term success. But that's not what I am looking for at all. I'll let you know what I find out.

I believe in all of you!

behind

How quickly things fall to the wayside. How's that saying go again? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Oh well - No use crying over spilled milk.
I don't have much to report at the moment since I've been sick and laying low for the past couple days, but I promise to be more on my game about posting erry day.

I believe in all of you!

post secret

I like to check the Post Secret blog every Sunday - I've been doing so for the last three or four years, I'd say. I like to read them because it feels a little like snooping and because it reminds me that no one has got it all figured out. I don't recall seeing too many secrets that I connected with on a significant level, until I ran across this one just a few minutes ago.
Years ago I realized that if I wanted to make a change, I'd have to start from the inside. I started doing some inspecting, some snooping around - what was it like in there? How did I feel about myself and about life? I didn't take too much digging to find a scared and lonely little girl who was terrified of screwing up and who wanted nothing more than a little love and tenderness. Ever since then, I've tried to take care of that little girl. Sometimes I've done a better job than others. Sometimes I am really understanding and patient with her but I think most of the time I am harsh and short-tempered with her (no wonder she's so terrified of making mistakes!). It is exactly this inner environment (along with other poor habits and decisions) that keeps me sick. This secret reminded me that I want to take better care of that little girl still in me.

One thing I wanted to do, was identify some habits I've noticed over the past week that lead to overeating. The biggest problem I've noticed is that I'll buy "snacks" (rolls, hummus, crackers, dried fruit) from some of the places close to work and none of it is portioned out, so I eat too much of it 10 times out of 10. If I want to snack, I need to stick to fruit or I need to plan them in advance just like my regular meals. A couple days last week, I got the healthiest looking thing from this coffee shop just outside the subway stop close to work, but the damn thing is loaded with butter and sugar. Eating one of those in the morning primes me for wanting more bread, fat and sugar for the whole rest of the day. So, no more "flap jacks."

Alright, as much as I'd like to keep tippity typing, I gotta get back to work and finish this thing I've been putting off for weeks. I don't know what it is about this task, but I have been absolutely digging in my heels at the thought of it. Left to my own devices, I can (and do) produce loads of albeit not award-winning content, but the second someone's like, "Hey, write all this crap for me," my eyes bulge in terror and I shrink into myself like a scared turtle. And I sit there, frozen, not able to move a muscle. Anyway, I am still totally avoiding this task, soooo gotta go!

Happy Sunday, everyone. I believe in all of you!

hi yawl

Yesterday was not my day at all in terms of eating or exercising. But yesterday is over and I am going to let it go, because the last thing I want is for yesterday to dictate today. If anything, I can use yesterday as an example of how I don't want to feel. Yesterday is the prototype for what taking care of myself shouldn't be on a regular basis.
I think it's important to remember that health is a lifelong process that is fraught with valleys, as well as peaks. Having a bad day doesn't have to derail my efforts, but it could -  the decision is left solely up to me. I think it's productive to acknowledge "Yeah, I felt pretty shitty yesterday because of the decisions I made," and then to focus on making decisions that make me feel better.
For me, it's also a must to stay motivated and inspired. So, I'm just gonna leave this here for anyone else who's had a bad day or is struggling to (re)gain control of their health.

I believe in all of you!

grumpy kitteh

Who's a grumpy kitteh this morning? I AM.
I ended up staying at free beer night at work last night and imbibing more than I'd planned. My honey and I also stayed up talkin' later than we should have and we both woke up cursing the new day.
Again, yesterday was not my best day in terms of food, but today is already off to a better start. (Speaking of which, something occurred to me not long ago, namely that every day is a tabula rasa. If I allow it to be, that is.) In terms of exercise I managed to do a half hour of pilates even though I was tipsy. I would love to think that I will make it to the gym after work today, but I know better. Usually the only place I want to go after work on Friday is home. To do absolutely nothing. (And that's just what I hope to do tonight!) Maybe we could go for a walk after dinner? Then again, we may want to stay in since it'll be dark by then. We'll see.

Have a great weekend, everyone!