Readership,
Big things on the horizon! Namely me moving into my very own apartment. It has not totally sunken in yet that it's really happening and that it will be all mine. It's kind of hard to know what to expect since I've never really had my own place, nor have I ever been the Hauptmieter of an apartment in Germany. But it's safe to say that I am excited and that I can hardly wait to start nesting. Exclamation points abound!
In spite of having no real reason to be depressed and agitated, I have been for at least the last week. I think the main reason is that I have been focusing a lot of mental energy on things that I don't like about myself and my life; more specifically, I spent a lot of time brooding on being too nice and on being lonely. My desire to please people, married with the natural inclination to avoid hurting people's feelings, often leads me to not taking care of myself. Whether it's not speaking my mind when I am angry or hurt or putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable, this very old hand-me-down of a tendency is not serving me well. It has never served me well. I grew up seeing it serve at least two generations of other amazing women poorly, which I am positive is part of the problem. This is by no means something that I am just realizing, but I have grown weary of dealing with it. It makes me feel like a coward and that's not something I can respect or ever learn to embrace. And I am positive that if I never learn how to manage this thing - which is essentially a fear of abandonment/rejection - then I will never stop running into this problem. I will never stop showing people that they can walk all over me and I will accept it with a shrug and I will never quite feel like I know how to get along with people. So there was all that.
Then there was this sense of loneliness that was so heavy that I felt pinned under its weight all week. I will try to keep this short because I am so beyond sick of hearing myself bitch and moan about this. But I think it deserves to be noted that I made an important realization about this shit the other day. I have been single for years and, while I usually say that I am content to being single, I realized that that's total horseshit and that I've been lying to myself about it for a long time. Happy people don't yearn to be happier, right? Along those same lines, if I am happy being single then I would not consistently be so whiny and annoying about not having a boyfriend. There is a lot of old shit wrapped up in this issue as well, but I said I was going to keep this short so I'll get to the point. I think it's time to go back to therapy!
Not listed in any particular order, the five main things I want to work on are - my health, self-confidence, people-pleasing, relationship status and hypersensitivity.
Phew. Do feel a little better after having gotten some of that off my chest. Gotta go now, though - gotta keep packing.
