things that are bothering me today

1. I don't have enough money to do what I want with my own life.
2. I still don't know if I am going back to the States or staying in Hamburg.
3. My father will never help or support me. Ever. I guess what really bothers me is that I forget that he will never be there for me ever since we learned how to shoot the shit. I inevitably let myself believe that that means more than it actually does.
4. When I ask my father for help, I usually end up feeling irresponsible, unreasonable. If and when I ask him for help, I usually feel like a failure.
5. I am worried that my Dad is right and that financial flagrance is a mainstay of my personlity.
6. At this point, I'd be willing to sacrifice doing what I have a burning desire to do, just to know for sure where I am going to be. But it still bothers me that I may have to give up on a dream that I might never get another chance to pursue.
7. It bothers me that my father referred to a trip back home to the States as a "two week vacation." I would never be able to explain to him how wrong that is and, even if I could, it still wouldn't matter.
8. I really really really don't want to screw my potential future roommates over.
9. I don't have any job offers in the US. I'm not saying I won't ever, but I feel tired thinking about starting to look for jobs all over again. It would be fine, I would do it, but I don't want to.
10. I don't want to start over again some where else. Again, I would do it and it would be fine, but I don't want to.
11. If I go back to the States, a part of me would feel relieved and comfortable. But I would be sad sad and I might grow to resent my father (more than I already kind of do) even though he can't truly be blamed for me not being able to stay here in Hamburg.
12. I don't understand why my Dad had kids if he never wants to support them.
13. I hate that I had to grow up with his negativity and criticism. I hate that I have to work so hard to un-do the damage he did.
14. I'm tired of worrying and crying.
15. I want to be more patient with life and with myself.

hamburger half-marathon

It's funny. I've been fretting for months about what was going to happen to me and now that I know, now that I've decided, I'm still fretting. In fact, I'm often scared shitless though my fear is intermittently peppered with a light, kind of soaring excitement. I am definitely staying in Hamburg. I am going to start out freelance teaching English, but I feel confident that I will be able to create a really great, satisfying career here. I don't think I am going to spend the rest of my life here, but I'd like to spend at least the next 5 years. Who knows, though? I also trust that if and when I am "supposed" to go back home, I'll know. Kind of like how I know that I want to stay here for now. I don't know what's going to happen, but as a very wise friend likes to remind me, no one does. Ever. I'm just going to dedicate time and energy to doing something that calls to me and, once again, trust that things will work out.
So that's that.
I watched the Hamburg half-marathon this morning, to show support for my current room-mate, who was running in the race. It was the second time I had watched a long-distance foot-race. I find them to be incredibly moving and inspiring. They make me tear up; they take my breath away. Today I got to watch the runners cross the finish line. It. was. amazing. I got to see a great range of the human experience as I was standing there cheering on perfect strangers. A lot of people fucking pull out all stops and take whatever it is they have left in their person to sprint the last 30 seconds of the race. Other people continue at a slow-but-steady pace but their eyes are clear and up-lifted. Others are running steadily but with much effort and their faces are contorted in exhaustion and pain. But my favorite, I think, are the moms and dads who pluck their little children from the crowd and run with them -- both completely elated and proud -- hand-in-hand to the goal. I thought to myself a couple dozen times today, I MUST DO THIS. And I will.
I'm going to get my foot checked out on Tuesday . . .