things that are bothering me today

1. I don't have enough money to do what I want with my own life.
2. I still don't know if I am going back to the States or staying in Hamburg.
3. My father will never help or support me. Ever. I guess what really bothers me is that I forget that he will never be there for me ever since we learned how to shoot the shit. I inevitably let myself believe that that means more than it actually does.
4. When I ask my father for help, I usually end up feeling irresponsible, unreasonable. If and when I ask him for help, I usually feel like a failure.
5. I am worried that my Dad is right and that financial flagrance is a mainstay of my personlity.
6. At this point, I'd be willing to sacrifice doing what I have a burning desire to do, just to know for sure where I am going to be. But it still bothers me that I may have to give up on a dream that I might never get another chance to pursue.
7. It bothers me that my father referred to a trip back home to the States as a "two week vacation." I would never be able to explain to him how wrong that is and, even if I could, it still wouldn't matter.
8. I really really really don't want to screw my potential future roommates over.
9. I don't have any job offers in the US. I'm not saying I won't ever, but I feel tired thinking about starting to look for jobs all over again. It would be fine, I would do it, but I don't want to.
10. I don't want to start over again some where else. Again, I would do it and it would be fine, but I don't want to.
11. If I go back to the States, a part of me would feel relieved and comfortable. But I would be sad sad and I might grow to resent my father (more than I already kind of do) even though he can't truly be blamed for me not being able to stay here in Hamburg.
12. I don't understand why my Dad had kids if he never wants to support them.
13. I hate that I had to grow up with his negativity and criticism. I hate that I have to work so hard to un-do the damage he did.
14. I'm tired of worrying and crying.
15. I want to be more patient with life and with myself.