long time

Dear Readership,

I know I keep neglecting this bloggy, but I promise I haven't gone anywhere. I am still here, hanging on, sometimes white-knuckling it.
I've been going to group therapy for women with eating disorders and today was the last day we met. I was surprisingly emotional when I got home for a myriad of reasons - I've been missing my Momma, I am confused about work, I am scared about my future and I am worried about what feels like a lack of progress.

I did learn some pretty major things over the past few weeks, though. For instance, I realized that I cannot process the past or any emotions mentally; rather, it must all be done in the body. I also discovered that I have something I've been referring to as the Sea of Grief in me, which is an endless pool of unprocessed sadness. I learned that my emotions are only there to be felt and that, if I allow them the just attention and space they need, they will dissipate. Perhaps not forever, but they definitely do subside. I relearned that I put myself under immense pressure and that I have been squeezing all of the fun and love out of reclaiming my health. I lost my focus and patience somewhere along the way. Most importantly, after I regained all of the weight I lost, I became terrified of experiencing that heartache ever again, so I've been sabotaging myself. For good measure, I've also convinced myself that losing weight again is plain impossible.

Huh, I don't think I realized how much I really learned. Sometimes it takes time to let seeds take root and grow. Another thing I learned is that I take losing weight so fucking seriously. Here's a crazy thought - what if it's not? What if it could be FUN?

I am not about to prescribe how often I need to be writing, cause that's unreasonable and not the point. The idea is not to be done with this project, after all. It's about the journey.
I am just happy to be here and I am cheering on all of you!