day 7

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Today I gave my boo one of those workout armbands for ipods/cell phones. Frankly, I originally ordered it for myself, but as soon as I unpacked it, I knew right away that I wanted it to be my gift for the day.
I cannot say that anything spectacular has happened or that I feel a change but I am curious to know where this experiment will take me. I suppose if I touch just one of the people who receives a gift from me, that will be enough.
I did notice that, when I decided to make dinner for my honey the other night as a gift, I didn't feel like it was enough. In the book, the author talks about feeling the same way about some of her offerings and how that is indicative of categorically overgiving because of feelings of inadequacy. Which, yeah. Nail on the head.
Another thing she wrote about that resonated with me was that she used to write a blog (though hers had a huge following ;)) about her trauma, mental illness, substance abuse and eating disorder, but eventually she wanted to develop a new voice that was not from a place of pain and suffering. I've had similar thoughts about my writing for years.
In fact, I've always hesitated calling myself a writer, because I only ever voluntarily do this one kind of writing, which sometimes feels really indulgent and self-centered. Of course my hope is to  show people who struggle with similar issues that they are not alone. If I can help someone by sharing my story, then all the better. Still, I cannot say that I've ever written, say, a short story of my own accord. Or any fiction, really. Well, a bit, but not much. Writing about myself all the time just feels kinda wrong.
I thought it might be helpful for me to do this challenge to "get out of my head." To focus on what I can give to others, rather than focusing on how to "fix" and change myself. My hope is to create a shift that helps me no longer be identified with my disorders and my size. And to bring light and love to other people's lives.