day 12

Tomorrow is my last day at work, which is always weird no matter how many jobs I've left.

As my gift for today, I decided to work on a task for a game I have been translating from German into English for the past two years. It isn't due until the end of the month, but I thought it would be a nice gesture to finish it before I left. Working on this game has always been tedious and challenging, but this takes the cake. What this task lacks in creativity, it makes up for in tedious minutiae. It is absolutely mind-numbing and typical of the things I've been working on for the past 2 years, that I am positive I don't want to spend 40+ hours a week doing. I have invested at least half a day into this ticket, if not more, and I think I am only about halfway through. I am regretting the decision to make this a gift.

I drank an extra cup of coffee at the end of the day to push through the task and that was a terrible mistake, as I have been on the verge of panic attacks all evening. I had a small one after returning from the grocery store -- my heart was racing and I immediately started crying after unloading the groceries and changing into my comfy clothes. I barely finished cooking dinner tonight and almost completely ruined it in the process. I wanted to bake chocolate chip cookies for tomorrow and couldn't even get started, I was so overwhelmed. I am exhausted, but I doubt I'll be falling asleep any time soon. Caffeine is fucking awful.

I'll work more on this monster ticket and pray that sleep comes eventually.

days 10 and 11

My gift for day 10 was a birthday present for my friend Awd. I gave her chocolates, a small bottle of champagne, earrings (that she can't wear cause her ears aren't pierced - we all say DOH every now and then) and a little potted hyacinth. She, of course, was very excited and grateful.
Btw, the pizza restaurant we went to, Mehl (means flour) was suuuuuuper cool. The food was delicious -- all locally grown, incredible fresh and very high quality -- and the service was mostly very very good. (Some of it was almost too good -- our bartender was kind of a motormouth who needed to dial back the hotdoggin.) We all tried each other's pizzas and they were absolutely delicious. I will definitely eat there again.

I ended up giving four gifts yesterday and I am noticing that I categorically overgive, primarily because I never think I am enough deep down. I gave my friend Sab some lovely Lush soap and some Rote Grütze tea. (Rote Grütze mit Sahne, btw, is a dessert that is popular in northern Germany and Scandinavia. The name of the dessert in Danish is rød grød met fløde which is unpronounceable for non-natives. In WWII they would have people say the name of the dessert to assure they were not spies. Sorry, I just think this is fascinating.) I gave my friend CG some yummy coffee and some of the peanut butter cookies I made for Christmas. I gave Ell The Cajun Night Before Christmas, cause she is a linguaphile and is fascinated by Cajun culture (she also loves accents). And I gave my friend G freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
We had all four of them over last night and we ate some lovely Irish sausages and white pudding, as well as some sides I whipped up to go along with them. It was great fun!

I want to do my best to give one gift a day for the rest of the challenge. I would also like to avoid spending money on the gifts. I think that would help me really focus on what I have to offer other people.

For today, I will help my friend finish organizing the fundraising project for his girlfriend. And I will continue organizing all of my important documents (tax information, pay stubs, docs for my visa), which is a gift for myself and my honey.
2014 is, after all, the year of taking care of myself and control of my finances. And it's the year of giving!

day 9 update

My gift for today was cooking dinner of cabbage rolls for my honey and myself. I'd been meaning to make them since New Year's: I remember making them with my grandmother and I've been thinking of her and missing her lately. I've also been thinking about tradition, specifically forming my own that are personal and meaningful. Cabbage and black eyes peas to ring the New Year is a tradition I like and want to introduce in my little family, so I decided to start this year. Granted I am a bit behind, but whatevs. In fact, we're about to dig in now...

days 8 and 9

My gifts yesterday were spare change, first to a man who specifically asked me for some and second to a kick-ass busker in the Schanze. He was good y'all. Like, so good I crossed the street specifically to give him the rest of the change I had in my pocket. The first guy didn't officially say thank you, but he did sound very excited. The busker gave me a very meaningful nod of the head, which made me feel warm.

I haven't given any gifts yet today. I have eaten just assloads of sweets, which is unrelated but I felt the need to mention it cause I am feelin pretty crappy about it. One thing I CAN do is meditate, like I promised myself I would a few days ago. That can't hurt - in fact, it never does. I'm open to an opportunity to give presenting itself.

day 7

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Today I gave my boo one of those workout armbands for ipods/cell phones. Frankly, I originally ordered it for myself, but as soon as I unpacked it, I knew right away that I wanted it to be my gift for the day.
I cannot say that anything spectacular has happened or that I feel a change but I am curious to know where this experiment will take me. I suppose if I touch just one of the people who receives a gift from me, that will be enough.
I did notice that, when I decided to make dinner for my honey the other night as a gift, I didn't feel like it was enough. In the book, the author talks about feeling the same way about some of her offerings and how that is indicative of categorically overgiving because of feelings of inadequacy. Which, yeah. Nail on the head.
Another thing she wrote about that resonated with me was that she used to write a blog (though hers had a huge following ;)) about her trauma, mental illness, substance abuse and eating disorder, but eventually she wanted to develop a new voice that was not from a place of pain and suffering. I've had similar thoughts about my writing for years.
In fact, I've always hesitated calling myself a writer, because I only ever voluntarily do this one kind of writing, which sometimes feels really indulgent and self-centered. Of course my hope is to  show people who struggle with similar issues that they are not alone. If I can help someone by sharing my story, then all the better. Still, I cannot say that I've ever written, say, a short story of my own accord. Or any fiction, really. Well, a bit, but not much. Writing about myself all the time just feels kinda wrong.
I thought it might be helpful for me to do this challenge to "get out of my head." To focus on what I can give to others, rather than focusing on how to "fix" and change myself. My hope is to create a shift that helps me no longer be identified with my disorders and my size. And to bring light and love to other people's lives.

days 2 through 6

-Friday, January 3, 2014

My boo and I went to see The Desolation of Smaug with his sister and her husband and I paid for all of our drinks and food.

-Saturday, January 4, 2014

I cooked dinner for my boo.

-Sunday, January 5, 2014

I helped a friend organize a call for donations for his girlfriend, who is going through a very difficult time in her life.

-Monday, January 6, 2014

I gave some more cookies to co-workers, as well as headbands, lotion and awesome Lush soap to my super friend.

I've started reading the book 29 Gifts and it's a wonderful read. Journaling, meditation and doing daily affirmations are encouraged, in addition to giving. The journaling I naturally picked up, but I will start meditating and doing affirmations tomorrow. I am open to the opportunity to give and I give with a joyful, open heart!

29 days of giving

Let's pretend it hasn't been months since I last wrote. K thx.

2014, the year of no real resolutions, the year I stop trying to change my body. That's right. I still have goals of course, but I always do. My primary goals are to take control of my finances and exercises regularly. I also want to explore my eating disorder, which I will write more about later.
Main point - 2014 is the year of acceptance. No more setting conditions on loving and accepting myself: time to take myself as I am. The end.

I do have a little project that I am working on. Namely, 29 days of giving. The gifts can be as simple as spare change or a phone call, but they have to be mindful and authentic. At least one gift I give must be something I feel is scarce in my life. Today's gift was a small bag of Christmas cookies to a co-worker. He was surprised and thankful :)

More to come, cause I actually do need to do some catchin up.

Happy New Year!