dark side of the moon

I have been feeling especially stuck in my head recently. Let me give you some quick background . . .
I already mentioned in a previous post that one of my "goals" for 2011 is to have a love-life again. As it turns out, I've had more activity in that sphere of my life, which has been a shot in the arm. However, I had what I thought was a really fun date with someone I was actually excited about a few weeks ago; but, I haven't heard from him since, which has been super disappointing for me. My roommate asked me today if I'd heard from the guy, to which I had to respond, "no," with an undertone of "le sigh." And I think that question and the resulting mini-conversation stirred up recursive thoughts and feelings to the effect of: "What's wrong with me? Why doesn't this person like me? Why hasn't he called?". Which I round off with, "Maybe he will call eventually?".
I guess it's just hard for me to understand, assuming we both had a good time, why he wouldn't want to see me again. What's more, it has been difficult for me to accept that, if he hasn't called at this point, he probably is not ever going to. As a good friend pointed out, I have trouble letting go.
I promise I'm not turning into Carrie Bradshaw, but allow me to follow through.
I know that these thoughts and feelings are irrational. I know that they are "white noise." They are old, old tracks that have worn deep ruts in my mind. Which does make it difficult to let them play out without believing them. It doesn't mean, though, that I am not going to do anything to change those tracks. I guess the best, most positive thing I could do is reclaim ownership of my love-life. Instead of being so focused on what HE is and isn't doing, I will focus more on what I am doing. How am I taking care of myself? Have I done things today that make me feel happy? What is it that I want in a partner?
I know that I will feel better and, to borrow a phrase, "pick myself back up." I just have my dark side of the moon moments. I know that I will meet someone special, even if it sometimes feel like I won't or that it will never happen. The only sane thing to do is move on with my life.
Speaking of which . . .
This week has been really good for me and exercise, friends! I started the Couch to 5K plan: this afternoon was my third day of the first week of training. I walk-jogged to the gym and then attended a pilates class, which ended up being a pretty mindful and surprisingly strenuous practice. My goal was to take all the negative fluff I'd had swirling around my mind and use the exercise to release it. Honestly, it was still somewhat there after working out, but I did feel excellent. Maybe that's why I decided to write . . . maybe I knew I needed another outlet to release more of that negative energy.
One thing that occurred to me while I was in Pilates today was this: we work out in a room with an entire wall of mirror panels. Totally normal, right? I noticed that I was scanning my body's reflected image, looking for things to hate and judge. And all of sudden, I made myself stop and promise that judging my body while I am WORKING OUT is strictly verboten! No more of that shit. It's so counterproductive and mean. I know as well as those mirrors that there are things about my body that make me uncomfortable. BUT THAT'S WHY I WORKOUT. So no more self-sabotage when I am doing exactly what I should be doing when I want to change things about myself that I think could be better.
My eating has been OK, I think. I say just OK, because even though I can't think of specific examples, I have a feeling that it could have been better. But I know it wasn't bad, so that kicks all kinds of ass.
My meditating has been spotty, which is the same thing I have always struggled with: continuity. However, I did dedicate time to meditating, so that's pretty ballin as well.
Overall, a good week, y'all.

Now, let's see if I can find some excerpts from my Geneen journal I'd like to share:
-- What are your deepest convictions and how do you think they end up on your plate?
"Obviously, I am a very passionate person, full of life and generosity. I have a huge heart and an expansive and exuberant personality. I have far-reaching, sometimes lofty goals, and I never give up (though I do stumble and get discouraged). I think the 'bigness' and intensity of who I am is what shows up on my plate."
-- Do you use food when things are hard? If so, does using food make things easier?
" . . . I know I still use food sometimes to ease tension, sadness and other negative emotions.
When I do use food when life is difficult, there is a brief flicker of comfort; however, it never lasts long and always makes me feel worse than I did before."
"The biggest, greatest 'up' of my weight history corresponds to a small shift in my consciousness. I'd done some work with a therapist and he helped me make certain connections that I'd never made before. For instance, I finally realized that me health is a function of nurturing and caring for myself, which was pretty revolutionary for me, especially considering before I'd only ever wanted to look, 'right.' The work I did with him helped me realize that I needed to give myself kindness and love. That, paired with the realization that I needed a slow, steady approach to weight loss -- making small changes and incorporating them into my life very gradually -- allowed me to achieve GREAT success over a period of about 1.5-2 years. This was easily the happiest time of my adult life."

Alright, babies. I'm gonna stop here. More to come later! :)

hAAAAAAAAaaay

I wanna holla at my people and wish everybody a very happy 2011. Is anybody else bursting at the seems with excitement about this year? Cause I am.
I know it's been a long time, but a lotta shit's been goin down on this side of the pond. Excluding the weather, all of it has been good. I've been in Hamburg, Germany now for going on 5 months. :) This city is seriously wonderful. It is rather large, but it feels comfortable and cozy because the buildings are squat and there's lots of green space. My apartment is about five minutes from the city park, ten minutes from the Alster (a beautiful lake, which is ballin for a jaunt, especially when the weather is nice) and there are countless cutie bars and restaurants in this neighborhood. All of this, as well as my school, are accessible BY FOOT and, let me tell you, I been walking all over this piece.
I'm happy. I'm spending time every day gettin my sexy right (writing, eating healthily, exercising, being sweet to myself). I'm living in a great apartment and I have FURNITURE! (I lived in an unfurnished room [albeit in a great neighborhood] for three, seemingly short, internet-less months.) I'm feeling results. Exclamation point, y'all!
I have been aching to say that for what has felt like forever. Again, my results are mostly only felt right now . . . my clothes have yet to start sagging all that much, but the results are definitely there. My abdomen is smaller, my thighs are tighter and my butt has moved, direction ceiling. I feel so much better than I did just five months ago. But move the clock back closer to one-and-a-half -- two years ago, and the difference between who I am right now and who I was then is staggering. I moved back in with parents, regressed and picked up old, toxic habits and became someone unrecognizable to myself and the people around me. I became someone I thought I'd never be again. Someone I was when I was growing up. Someone half-alive, defeated, hopeless.
Picking myself back up has been an exercise in patience, more than anything else. Of course, I thoroughly believe that weight loss is about uniting all aspects of the self -- mind, body, spirit -- in the name of living a healthy life. So I know that "picking up the pieces" is still all about self-love, healthy eating and exercise. But I had to have the patience to trust myself and the process. I had to accept the fall from grace as a lesson in humility and the transience of life. I trust more now than I have in a while that I will achieve not only my goal to maintain optimum health, but my all my other goals as well. (I have tons of goals always, but mainly I'm referring to those dealing with a career and love-life.) Also, I know now more profoundly than ever that I want to dedicate my life to helping those who struggle to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I started re-reading Geneen Roth's book and I'm also working on the 15 week companion work book. If there are no objections, I'd like to start sharing some excerpts/insights from the practice of working through this book.
I really missed this blog. But now I'm back.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I'm running out of time in Chattanooga. Or, the time to leave for Germany is rapidly approaching. My car is still in the shop and I've yet to hear anything from them about it. I'm going to call later this morning. My instinct tells me that it's not good, that it's probably the transmission -- a word which strikes fear into the hearts of many car-owners when uttered by a mechanic. If it is the transmission, chances are likely that the repairs will cost more than the value of the car, and then I'll have to decide what to do with it. It'll probably go to a junk yard :(
The good news is that my friend Jacques is coming to visit, which is a wonderful distraction, as well as great fun and a possible ride back home to boot.
The bad news is that this week is turning out just like last week in terms of exercise, meaning that I haven't gotten any! It feels awful just physically, but the greatest impact is on my spirits. They are decidedly low. I've been judging myself a lot, chastising myself for lack of will or reliability or whatever. To add insult to injury, people have added/tagged me in a bunch of recent pictures on facebook and I loathe most of them. I feel that I look awful. I thought that maybe some results from my last month and change from boot camp might be visible, but they are assuredly not. I feel very discouraged . . . what if the health and weight loss success I enjoyed what's now a few years ago was it? What if this is as good as it gets?
Logic tells me this is all wrong, but inside I feel hopeless and scared.

Sunday July 25th, converging

Cutdawg looks nothing like this, but I like this pic.

My thoughts of self-judgment are extra-loud today. It's no doubt due to NO exercise this past week + the stress that is car troubles. I have been unable to drive out to Hixson for boot camp as my car started acting up a few weeks ago before it eventually died last Wednesday on my way to work. Being carless in a car-centric world makes life severely more inconvenient and limited. It takes more maneuvering and calculation to carry out day-to-day tasks that, when I'm with car, I never think twice about. I think with the planning and worrying about how I'm going to manage this snafu on my own, I didn't exercise. I certainly could have. It would not have been difficult to fit in a workout, and believe me, I thought about it. I had all the great intentions of getting exercise despite being boot-camp-less, however my great intentions just weren't enough for whatever reason. We all know that thinking about exercising and actually exercising are sadly two different animals.
I find myself feeling sad today. I'm not sure why. One thing that I've noticed about me when I'm judging myself extra-harshly is that I compare myself to people more. Don't get me wrong, I have a habit of doing that even when I'm not feeling down, but it gets worse when I am. I've been poking around on the Internet quite a bit this morning, spending the obligatory time on facebook, catching up on bloggies and -- in the mean time, making all sorts of assumptions about how awesome other peoples' lives are; believing that the bonds other people share with each other are closer, tighter, more special than mine -- using all of that "content" as fodder to Charlie-Brown myself into head-hanging blues and isolation. Shit, I even hovered on the "deactivate" button on facebook, so as to shield myself . . . from myself, essentially. Facebook is clearly benign. It's what I do with it, it's the emotional and mental warfare I exact on myself that I was hoping to end by committing facebookicide. But I know that facebook is clearly not the issue here.

Let me add this: I know that all of these thoughts are unfounded. I know that this is paranoia at its basest/finest. I'm not punishing myself for feeling and thinking these things, because when it comes down to it, they are simply thoughts. They are as "real" as I allow them to be, or as fine and feathery as evaporating smoke. The truth lies in perception and the lesson, the wisdom of these thoughts, lies inside of me. In my body. In my awareness. So it is not with judgment that I am airing my laundry. Rather, it is an invitation to myself to meet my distress with curiosity. I am opening myself to discovering what feeling like shit is really meant to show me about myself, life and other people.

In other news, I've been reading Geneen Roth's book Women, Food and God on and off, which is partially responsible for this curiosity, rather than fear, of my emotions. The book is wondrous. Roth's voice is so warm, cozy, nurturing and earthy. I truly enjoy and identify with her language and it happens to be a bonus that she's writing about one of my favorite things to read about. -- HA! Something funny just occurred to me . . . I'm even ravenous for health and recovery. It's that ravenous appetite that typifies my disease, but it's also the salve. It's the cure for itself! -- I like/am annoyed by the recursive, memoir-feel of the text. I like it, cause I just kinda like shit like that, to be crass. But I am annoyed, cause the Type A in me is like: give me the fucking answer already! How do I do this? Give me steps clearly delineated, bulleted in a list. But my Type A is deeply buried within me, and doesn't surface in every aspect of my life. And obviously living a healthy life is not solving a Rubik's Cube. So, I mostly like the book. It's a light, easy read; although, it's also completely dense and rich, which is why I think I haven't inhaled it. I think I'm giving myself time to digest everything she's feeding me. Reading her book has the distinct feel of sewing seeds. Germination always takes time, patience and perseverance. And water! heheh

At any rate, being that I am leaving for Hamburg, Germany in a little over a month, there's been a lot on my mind. Yes, the car shtuff is annoying, but I trust that I'll get it taken care of. About Hamburg: I've been getting so excited, that words fail me. There aren't really feelings of trepidation for round 2 (I lived in Germany for a year when I was 20 years old). There are the typical oh-shit-I'm-not-ready and d'ah!-do-I-have-all-my-ducks-in-a-row feelings. But nothing like when I was 19-20! Go fig :) It's always hard to leave framily and family, but that's kinda been the name of the game for the past two-three years. I don't have a boyfriend this go round, thank God!! I couldn't possibly be better prepared for this experience. I am confident that the experience will be a wonderful boost for my future-career. Yeah. I'm pretty much read' ta go.

I know I haven't really been writing in the "typical" format, but I don't really care and I doubt anyone who might be reading this bloggidy cares either. I'll keep everyone posted as per, exercise, nutrition and life . . .

Namaste! :)

Friday, July 16, 2010 Feelin good

Good good vibrations ladies and . . . probably more ladies! First and foremost, some of my framily is currently driving up to the Noog to see the mountains, take in the charm, raft the Ocoee and visit yours truly. So. frikkin. excited! This life has afforded me, thankfully, a large framily and I feel blessed and honored. Plus, I kinda love playing hostess. So, this is all pretty tight.
Secondly, I finally made it to three classes of boot camp this week! I originally signed up for the three day per week camp, but in the past four weeks have only made two classes per week. Well, lemme say I've made it to two classes per week. The "only" makes it seem like I'm downplaying my accomplishment, but I don't want to do that, cause it's been effing hard! The first week, I was so sore that I was walking and getting up from chairs like a woman very much with child.
It's definitely gotten, let's say, better as opposed to easier. It's always a challenge. I always get my heart rate up. I always work up a man-like sweat. And I always get a great workout. I have to say, though, last night's boot camp was the first workout that actually felt like boot camp. Don't get me wrong, the others have been hard . . . but this was just extra. Let's see if I can remember what all we did . . . warm up, of course. I know at one point, we did a circuit of pull-ups and chest flies for two minutes. Oh yeah, now I remember more. Shit, I think I blocked some of this out . . . we did knee-ups on a stack of old school gym mats (about 2.5 - 3 feet tall), alternating sides. We also had to lay down on those mats with our legs hanging off at the hips and raise our legs, with knees straight. Great/torturous for the glutes and quads. Then, in the same position we flapped our legs in and out. There were some other things in there, I know, but I can't remember. Anyway, we did three rounds of that circuit. THEN, we had the remainder of the class to do to rounds of the following circuit: 300 rotations jumping rope; 20 "burpees"/squat thrusts with a jump at the top of the move; and 40 forward kicks, one being kicking with the right and left leg. I was completely finished by the end of the first circuit, but somehow pulled some kinda 2nd round outta my ass. I was exhausted after the class, for sure. I'll tell you what, though, I slept like a little baby angel lamb. That's right. I slept that well.
This morning I went back for more of what our little spitfire ginger drill Sergeant has to dish out. I don't remember what all we did today, but I do remember she had us hula hoop with a big weighted colorful hoop. I thought I had completely lost the ability to hula-hoop since childhood, but she retaught me! Man, that was excellent! Great ab workout.
Another good thing from this past week: I went "running" Tuesday and will go again today . . . I alternate between 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking for about 2 miles. I have found this running plan online called Couch to 5k and that's the suggestion for the first week of training. Totally reasonable and doable. I always jumped into jogging before, which would explain why it's never really worked out for me before. Or rather, why I've never stuck it out. I have this impatience when it comes to things that take years/a lifetime to master. I want to be a natural-born genius at, like, lots of things. Running/jogging is just one of them. I have theories as to why I think that is, but I'll spare you for now.
Last good thing I want to talk about today: I am starting to feel results. I've been belly-aching about not "seeing" any results, but I think that was coming from a place of impatience and wanting to look good in my clothes again, as opposed to wanting to be healthy. Now I feel like I remember more clearly what this lifestyle is all about. Looking good in my clothes will come. It will be a side-effect (and reward) for taking care of myself. But if I don't love me enough to take care of my Self, what the hell does it matter how small my waist is or how awesome my ass looks in a pair of jeans? It's not like I would be able to enjoy those things or anything else that life would have to offer me. No, self-love has to come first and it has to be at the heart of damn-near everything I do, I'm re-learning. I've also had more energy, have felt more vital and vibrant, as well as lighter in spirit. I realize I've been missing those things much more than smaller sizes.
I know I'm gonna have a killer weekend. I hope you all do the same :)
Namaste.

Wednesday, July 7 "last week" of boot camp

I don't have too long to write before boot camp, but I did want to get some stuff on the page before jetting off to squat my way into exhaustion.
I've been thinking a lot about my interactions with people and about how my ego's constant need to be right (in order to stay alive and thriving) gets in the way of my relationships with people. I've been thinking about how I am growing tired of this persistent drive to be regarded as "smart" and "right." But then yesterday afternoon, I was thinking, how can "I" be growing tired of "me?" There must two different entities present for one to have had its fill of the other. Which is not to say that people can't grow tired of certain character flaws, but this feels different. Because, I have the distinct feeling that these ways of mine that I find unsavory are not really me. That, in fact, it's the real me who has had enough of the pettiness, paranoia and right-fighting. Just last night, it occurred to me that maybe the reason I'm sensing a flare in this ego-centered behavior is because my ego is dying and struggling to maintain dominance and control.
I have this desire to apologize for what I just wrote, but I'm not going to give in to that. That's the truth. That's what I am honestly thinking and feeling and hopefully someone identifies with and maybe even understands it. A'ight. Gotta make my way out to Hixson for some ass-kicking . . .

Monday, June 28, revelation!

At the afore-mentioned nutrition seminar, Mr Boot Camp was talking about the perils of eating sugar and drinking juice/other sugary drinks and suggested an alternative pre-workout meal: a piece of toast with peanut butter. So, I tried it this morning before Boot Camp et voila! We have the title of this post: REVELATION! My workout this morning was just as intense. I was still fatigued and sweating and pushing really hard. However, my endurance and energy levels were up AND I did not have to fight the urge to vomit all over myself like I usually do :)
My trainer noticed and I told her that my I'd tried the pre-workout meal that Boss Man had suggested at the seminar. She asked what I'd been eating before and I told her, "oatmeal," conveniently omitting the modifiers "maple" and "brown sugar." Though, I did say that I thought it was the sugar in the oatmeal that was making me feel sick during the workouts.

Smiley faces! More later. Have to go to stupid work. :)