Tomorrow will be my first day of work at my new job ... I am pretty nervous on the one hand, but on the other hand I've had so many jobs that I know my nerves are just a part of it. Everyone is a freshman from time to time and the optimist in me can't help but assume throwing myself into new situations is good for me and will eventually pay off.
I have gotten very little formal exercise this past week and my eating habits have been pretty awful ... I don't really have a plan of action at the moment, beyond my resolutions. I just needed to own up to still feeling off-track.
Today I have been feeling super super lonely, isolated and sad. I think some of it has to do with my trip back home and how surprisingly difficult it was to say goodbye. Yes, I like this city. Yes, I have a new job. Yes, I am making friends. But I still feel so out of place. Like nothing belongs to me. I still have relatively little that is anchoring me here or any where for that matter and I am beginning to wonder if that feeling will ever fade.
Basically, something feels incomplete, missing, out of place or just plain wrong. And I am worried about "getting it together."
I promise to write at least something about my travels to the US and of my first day at work.
In order to feel better or at least fully feel my emotions, I will sit in meditation before going to bed. I will also get at least some formal exercise.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
tabula rasa
Ahhh, the new year! There is nothing that appeals to my innate goal-planning than the ushering in of a new year. I did not personally have a terrible 2011 ... it was right as rain, though one of my dearest, closest friends had an awful 2011. So, in that sense, I am happy for her that it is behind us all. I know personally that about 2008-half of 2010 could have gone and fucked themselves for all I cared. It just goes to show that we all have our valleys.
I have been meditating on where my precious energy should go in the up-coming year. Not surprisingly, the top spots are occupied by nutrition and exercise, in that order. Which raises an important distinction between last year's bright-eyed ambitions: 1) finding love is not a goal for 2012 and 2) finding a challenging career in a city that I love that pays well isn't either (for much more exciting reasons)! Finding love has been something I've wanted for the past decade or so, which is not to say I would turn it down were it to find me now. But, enh, is all. You know what I mean? In case you don't, I mean that I will not slather tons of expectations for some great romance on this up-coming year. And number 2 is taking effect on January 15th, officially (translating German to English for a company here in H'burg)! Not too shabby, amirite?
This year I'd like to spend a lot, a lot of time on loving and caring for myself.
Some of my resolutions include: 1) riding my bike to work, 2) no red meat, no poultry, limited seafood and dairy products/incorporating lots of fruit and veg into my diet, 3) a 21-day detox, 4) 2-3 days a week of formal exercise and 5) my own apartment.
I'm going to sign off for now, but I know that I owe you a report on my travels in the US ...
I have been meditating on where my precious energy should go in the up-coming year. Not surprisingly, the top spots are occupied by nutrition and exercise, in that order. Which raises an important distinction between last year's bright-eyed ambitions: 1) finding love is not a goal for 2012 and 2) finding a challenging career in a city that I love that pays well isn't either (for much more exciting reasons)! Finding love has been something I've wanted for the past decade or so, which is not to say I would turn it down were it to find me now. But, enh, is all. You know what I mean? In case you don't, I mean that I will not slather tons of expectations for some great romance on this up-coming year. And number 2 is taking effect on January 15th, officially (translating German to English for a company here in H'burg)! Not too shabby, amirite?
This year I'd like to spend a lot, a lot of time on loving and caring for myself.
Some of my resolutions include: 1) riding my bike to work, 2) no red meat, no poultry, limited seafood and dairy products/incorporating lots of fruit and veg into my diet, 3) a 21-day detox, 4) 2-3 days a week of formal exercise and 5) my own apartment.
I'm going to sign off for now, but I know that I owe you a report on my travels in the US ...
Friday, December 16, 2011
aflutter
In just days I am leaving for the States! I am the butterflies in my belly. I am excited to reconnect with my roots: family and friends, sights and smells I know like myself. Expect a full report!
My eating has been terrible. I have gotten little to no exercise beyond climbing stairs and walking from train to train. I know I could be doing better, but I also know I've had a lot on my plate. I am confident that once things have settled, I will dedicate more energy towards healthy living.
My eating has been terrible. I have gotten little to no exercise beyond climbing stairs and walking from train to train. I know I could be doing better, but I also know I've had a lot on my plate. I am confident that once things have settled, I will dedicate more energy towards healthy living.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
it's been a minute
It's been a cold minute, readership! I've been working quite a bit, burning the candle at both ends at times as well. Freelance teaching has had me all over this fine city, working 6 days a week and generally kind of frazzled. The teaching itself is nice, I like most (and admire some) of my students, but the company I work for more than any other is mega janky. I have been in the process of edging them off of my schedule by accepting classes from two other language institutes. BUT I recently received a job offer from a company here in Hamburg! I would be translating texts from German into English. The position is full-time and pays a salary with benefits (like paid vacation and free therapy!). No brainer! I accepted the offer and I am in the process of changing the status of my work permit.
My formal exercise has been minimal over the past few weeks, but I move every day. I spend a lot of my time commuting hither and thither and have gone back to mostly taking stairs, instead of taking the escalator. When I do work out, I practice yoga and pilates, two of my dearest exercise companions. I am positive that when I have an actual routine, I'll be able to go to the gym more :)
My formal exercise has been minimal over the past few weeks, but I move every day. I spend a lot of my time commuting hither and thither and have gone back to mostly taking stairs, instead of taking the escalator. When I do work out, I practice yoga and pilates, two of my dearest exercise companions. I am positive that when I have an actual routine, I'll be able to go to the gym more :)
My eating has been chaotic. The crazy schedule has a lot to do with it, but I don't want to lay all the blame there. I think I could be better about meal-planning. Truthfully though, by the time Sunday rolls around, I want to do little else besides nothing.
All else aside, I am feeling positive about what is to come. I have worked hard to get here and I will continue to work hard to improve. I believe in my resilience and inner-strength.
In other news, I AM HOMESICK. I have never been away from home for this long and I am discovering that maybe being away for longer than a year is too long. I'll be home for two weeks during Christmas time and I can scarcely wait to see my wonderful friends and family and my home.
Friday, August 5, 2011
don't be sad that it's over. be happy that it was nice.
I am getting more and more settled into my life in Hamburg. It feels strange that that's true. Then again, it feels natural and "right."
I am finally unraveling the baggage-laden knot that was my life back in Lafayette. I am turning back into the best version of myself from the shit-mongering beetle I was startled to have become.
Recently, I have been inspired by life itself to move closer to a vegan diet. I have reduced my dairy intake and so far so good. I'm OK with the idea of having some cheese here and there, though vigilance is key to not go sliding down any slippery slopes. God knows I rarely miss meat; though, I can foresee wanting (and eating) seafood again. I want to incorporate more raw foods into my diet, which shouldn't be hard because I love veggies. I could stand to drink more water and less coffee and alcohol. I am moving towards a smoke-free life, as well.
My exercise has been great and I feel confident that I will stay active. My gym is literally 5 minute away by foot! Once I start working, I will expand my membership so that I can have access to all the cardio and weight-lifting equipment, as well their classes. I would also be able to use a sauna should I ever feel so inclined. Not too shabby.
I imagine I will have my dark moments, as I am wont to remember. But I feel like I am on a good track in general. More specifically, I feel confident in myself and in the process. I just ask for patience and perseverance.
I am finally unraveling the baggage-laden knot that was my life back in Lafayette. I am turning back into the best version of myself from the shit-mongering beetle I was startled to have become.
Recently, I have been inspired by life itself to move closer to a vegan diet. I have reduced my dairy intake and so far so good. I'm OK with the idea of having some cheese here and there, though vigilance is key to not go sliding down any slippery slopes. God knows I rarely miss meat; though, I can foresee wanting (and eating) seafood again. I want to incorporate more raw foods into my diet, which shouldn't be hard because I love veggies. I could stand to drink more water and less coffee and alcohol. I am moving towards a smoke-free life, as well.
My exercise has been great and I feel confident that I will stay active. My gym is literally 5 minute away by foot! Once I start working, I will expand my membership so that I can have access to all the cardio and weight-lifting equipment, as well their classes. I would also be able to use a sauna should I ever feel so inclined. Not too shabby.
I imagine I will have my dark moments, as I am wont to remember. But I feel like I am on a good track in general. More specifically, I feel confident in myself and in the process. I just ask for patience and perseverance.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
things that are bothering me today
1. I don't have enough money to do what I want with my own life.
2. I still don't know if I am going back to the States or staying in Hamburg.
3. My father will never help or support me. Ever. I guess what really bothers me is that I forget that he will never be there for me ever since we learned how to shoot the shit. I inevitably let myself believe that that means more than it actually does.
4. When I ask my father for help, I usually end up feeling irresponsible, unreasonable. If and when I ask him for help, I usually feel like a failure.
5. I am worried that my Dad is right and that financial flagrance is a mainstay of my personlity.
6. At this point, I'd be willing to sacrifice doing what I have a burning desire to do, just to know for sure where I am going to be. But it still bothers me that I may have to give up on a dream that I might never get another chance to pursue.
7. It bothers me that my father referred to a trip back home to the States as a "two week vacation." I would never be able to explain to him how wrong that is and, even if I could, it still wouldn't matter.
8. I really really really don't want to screw my potential future roommates over.
9. I don't have any job offers in the US. I'm not saying I won't ever, but I feel tired thinking about starting to look for jobs all over again. It would be fine, I would do it, but I don't want to.
10. I don't want to start over again some where else. Again, I would do it and it would be fine, but I don't want to.
11. If I go back to the States, a part of me would feel relieved and comfortable. But I would be sad sad and I might grow to resent my father (more than I already kind of do) even though he can't truly be blamed for me not being able to stay here in Hamburg.
12. I don't understand why my Dad had kids if he never wants to support them.
13. I hate that I had to grow up with his negativity and criticism. I hate that I have to work so hard to un-do the damage he did.
14. I'm tired of worrying and crying.
15. I want to be more patient with life and with myself.
2. I still don't know if I am going back to the States or staying in Hamburg.
3. My father will never help or support me. Ever. I guess what really bothers me is that I forget that he will never be there for me ever since we learned how to shoot the shit. I inevitably let myself believe that that means more than it actually does.
4. When I ask my father for help, I usually end up feeling irresponsible, unreasonable. If and when I ask him for help, I usually feel like a failure.
5. I am worried that my Dad is right and that financial flagrance is a mainstay of my personlity.
6. At this point, I'd be willing to sacrifice doing what I have a burning desire to do, just to know for sure where I am going to be. But it still bothers me that I may have to give up on a dream that I might never get another chance to pursue.
7. It bothers me that my father referred to a trip back home to the States as a "two week vacation." I would never be able to explain to him how wrong that is and, even if I could, it still wouldn't matter.
8. I really really really don't want to screw my potential future roommates over.
9. I don't have any job offers in the US. I'm not saying I won't ever, but I feel tired thinking about starting to look for jobs all over again. It would be fine, I would do it, but I don't want to.
10. I don't want to start over again some where else. Again, I would do it and it would be fine, but I don't want to.
11. If I go back to the States, a part of me would feel relieved and comfortable. But I would be sad sad and I might grow to resent my father (more than I already kind of do) even though he can't truly be blamed for me not being able to stay here in Hamburg.
12. I don't understand why my Dad had kids if he never wants to support them.
13. I hate that I had to grow up with his negativity and criticism. I hate that I have to work so hard to un-do the damage he did.
14. I'm tired of worrying and crying.
15. I want to be more patient with life and with myself.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
hamburger half-marathon
It's funny. I've been fretting for months about what was going to happen to me and now that I know, now that I've decided, I'm still fretting. In fact, I'm often scared shitless though my fear is intermittently peppered with a light, kind of soaring excitement. I am definitely staying in Hamburg. I am going to start out freelance teaching English, but I feel confident that I will be able to create a really great, satisfying career here. I don't think I am going to spend the rest of my life here, but I'd like to spend at least the next 5 years. Who knows, though? I also trust that if and when I am "supposed" to go back home, I'll know. Kind of like how I know that I want to stay here for now. I don't know what's going to happen, but as a very wise friend likes to remind me, no one does. Ever. I'm just going to dedicate time and energy to doing something that calls to me and, once again, trust that things will work out.
So that's that.
I watched the Hamburg half-marathon this morning, to show support for my current room-mate, who was running in the race. It was the second time I had watched a long-distance foot-race. I find them to be incredibly moving and inspiring. They make me tear up; they take my breath away. Today I got to watch the runners cross the finish line. It. was. amazing. I got to see a great range of the human experience as I was standing there cheering on perfect strangers. A lot of people fucking pull out all stops and take whatever it is they have left in their person to sprint the last 30 seconds of the race. Other people continue at a slow-but-steady pace but their eyes are clear and up-lifted. Others are running steadily but with much effort and their faces are contorted in exhaustion and pain. But my favorite, I think, are the moms and dads who pluck their little children from the crowd and run with them -- both completely elated and proud -- hand-in-hand to the goal. I thought to myself a couple dozen times today, I MUST DO THIS. And I will.
I'm going to get my foot checked out on Tuesday . . .
So that's that.
I watched the Hamburg half-marathon this morning, to show support for my current room-mate, who was running in the race. It was the second time I had watched a long-distance foot-race. I find them to be incredibly moving and inspiring. They make me tear up; they take my breath away. Today I got to watch the runners cross the finish line. It. was. amazing. I got to see a great range of the human experience as I was standing there cheering on perfect strangers. A lot of people fucking pull out all stops and take whatever it is they have left in their person to sprint the last 30 seconds of the race. Other people continue at a slow-but-steady pace but their eyes are clear and up-lifted. Others are running steadily but with much effort and their faces are contorted in exhaustion and pain. But my favorite, I think, are the moms and dads who pluck their little children from the crowd and run with them -- both completely elated and proud -- hand-in-hand to the goal. I thought to myself a couple dozen times today, I MUST DO THIS. And I will.
I'm going to get my foot checked out on Tuesday . . .
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