back and forth

At the moment, I am feeling anxiety about the outcome of the next 6 weeks. I do have a job offer to fall back on, a "safety school" as a new, very wise friend put it. I feel like this should be a lot more comforting than I have allowed it to be. I have a job interview tomorrow with another company that teaches languages to business folk, individuals and teens and kids. The position would be freelancing, as is the offer I already have. I think either of these positions could be a springboard for my career. I see lots of positive things in both of the prospects, but I can't deny my yearning for something more stable and career-oriented. I'm also waiting to hear from two schools in Nordrhein-Westfallen, one of which I am extremely excited about despite it being located in a terribly small town. I have heard from close to zero of the schools/school districts I have applied to in the US, though I have heard from my referees that my references are signed, sealed and delivered. As my "deadline" approaches, I feel more and more pressure to have something locked and loaded for next year. Also, now that I'm in the time crunch, I am certain that I want to stay in Germany. 

Last week was quite the abng-up week for exercise! My eating was also pretty clean, as far as I can remember. However, I have spent the last two days in a sugar haze and I feel disgusting. I finished my second read of Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God and am working slowly, but surely on the companion "15-week" journal to the book. I would like to share the Eating Guidlines and talk about which ones I want to focus on for the next week.

The Eating Guidlines:

1. Eat when you are hungry.

2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.

3. Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.

4. Eat what your body wants.

5. Eat until you are satisfied.

6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.

7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

The two rules I have struggled with for as long as I can remember -- and still struggle with today -- are numbers 3 and 5. Those are the two rules I will focus my attention (and intention) on this week.

In terms of exercise, I want to practice yoga and pilates at least twice this week, I also want to practice this yogalates video I found online once and I want to practice the Women's Health yoga abs workout once. I also want to meditate at least 2-3 times this week.

This post is serving not only as an outlet for my fears, doubts, frustrations, but also as a way to create the positive things I wish to enjoy in my life. 

In terms of job/future-building crap, I create that I will find out in the next 2-3 weeks where I will be working in Germany. After that comes finding a place to live :)

Updates @ the end of the week.

quick catch up

I can feel momentum building behind my movement towards optimum health. I can feel myself settling into patience, embracing the "slow and steady wins the race" approach that worked so well for me before. (I maintain that the "slow and steady" approach is the only one that works.)
I am easing up on myself, little by little. I am loving myself a sliver more each day. I am moving my body. I am caring for my inner person. I am taking care to notice how, when and why I eat.
I feel good about where I am and I feel hopeful and positive about where I am going.

new definition of discipline

Discipline is remembering what you want.

my body has an infinite capacity to heal and transform

That same night, I e-mailed myself this as well. What? I felt inspired . . . 


"It's true! I invite the Universe to remind me of this as much as I need to be reminded!"


There is this line from Eckhart Tolle I've been thinking about a lot lately. Someone asked him, how they could know if meditation would work to transform their life. His answer, "Begin meditating and your life will become the evidence you seek."
Along those lines, I am committing to meditating more regularly. There's a guided meditation podcast I like and an entry on healing that I particularly enjoy. I will find time to listen to it at least once a day.
There is also this series of yoga poses I've been wanting to try out for ages and I just started actually practicing it the other day. I want to do it at least twice a week for six weeks before I share what it is and what my results are. 

I am increasing my mental and physical capacity

This is something I e-mailed myself one (yeah, I do that sometimes. so?) evening when blogger wasn't working . . .
"I hereby declare 2011 to be the year of positive thinking and self-acceptance. 

Let this stand as my dedication to myself and the people I love that I will, to the best of my abilities, build myself up, instead of break myself down. I am far more wonderful and powerful than I usually allow myself to embrace. I want now to be the turning point. I want now to be the shift for when my emotional state goes from being 'in the red' to being 'in the black.'"

keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times

Life continues to move forward whether or not I'm ready to let go of the past.
The end of my Fulbright experience is nigh and I'm continuing to look for jobs. I've pared down my search to: Germany, Holland, Spain, Texas and Louisiana. The latter two options would mean that I'd have to have a car, but it would also mean being within driving distance of the people I love more than anything. I've been feeling kind of emotional lately and one of my triggers has definitely been family. I miss everyone, family and friends, and I'd really love to see them again. It would also be nice to be in a setting that is totally, 100% familiar and comfortable. Staying in Europe would automatically mean living a more active lifestyle. It would mean adventure, stimulation and the opportunity to pursue dreams I've had since childhood. But it would also mean starting over, feeling alone and experiencing moments of cultural alienation. Even though I mostly understand what people are saying, there always comes a time when I have no clue what people are talking about. And I could put together slideshows of swamps and moss-covered cypress trees, Mardi Gras and crawfish boils 'til the cows come home. I could talk until I was blue in the face about the bizarre and rich-to-the-point-of-saturated culture I grew up in, but I would never justifiably explain to someone what that means to me or how it has shaped who I am. No one would ever totally understand. I feel like I'm straddling a great divide and if I stumble, I drop off into an abyss. I have decided to place myself here, of course, and if I simply chose a side, a part of me would always be craning my neck to see the other shore.
Is it such a horrible thing to feel isolated? Is it the end of the world to feel misunderstood? No, to both questions. It's probably really common. I don't always like it, though. But I can't let fear or loneliness stop me from pursuing the things that have stirred my spirit since I was a little girl mischievously running, running, running no where and every where.
I feel like this only partially makes sense, but I wanted to get it out, so I appreciate your patience.

Another one of my triggers has been the topic of coupling. I changed my mind quite suddenly about having a family of my own just a few weeks ago. Which had been really cool on one hand and terrifying on the other. It certainly has done nothing to ease the moments that inevitably come when my entire person wonders in exasperation, "Is this EVER going happen for me?" Followed by the much quieter and more pathetic, "Why hasn't this happened for me yet?" And finally, "What if it doesn't ever happen for me?" Sometimes I don't stress myself about it at all, really. But the desire to meet someone special to share my life with never totally goes away. I do attempt to trick myself into thinking it's gone, but honestly it's only so I can open myself up for one of those when-you-least-expect-it moments that people are so proud tell you about. I've put it out there, I've made ridiculous lists, I've asked and asked. What I really want is to live my life with gusto. I want to do the things that I love. I want to embrace what I've been given. And I want that tiny little question mark that's forever in a far corner of my mind to leave. I invite that whimper of, "Where could he be?" to die out and I want it to happen completely without bitterness. I want it to die a painless, graceful death in my sleep.

Again, I'm sorry if this is fading in and out of being understandable.
I just know that I'm standing on a precipice, about to go flying off and it's scary because I have no idea where I'm going to fall.

preoccupied

I have not been able to focus on much more than money (or lack thereof), finding a job and not knowing where I'll be at the end of July.
My stomach has been sort of tied in knots for the past few weeks, probably for a number of reasons. I have not been taking care of my inner-person, for starters. I have been unable to be patient about finding a job. I have this inner sense of urgency that I want, I NEED to know RIGHT NOW what I'll be doing and where I'll be doing it.
I'm sure I've learned more than I realize from this experience. One thing I learned very early on is that I am ready for a real, grown-up lady job. Complete with grown-up lady benefits and pay. Another thing I learned is that, where ever I end up next, I want to stay for a while. When I say a while, think at least five years. I learned also that I would rather stay in Europe for the time being. I'm getting pressure from a couple different fronts to return permanently to the US. Which I am not opposed to. In fact, I do feel torn . . .
If I return to the US, I will be at home. I will be closer to friends and family. I have more ties and connections there.
If I stay here, I can continue to explore this continent that is rich in history and culture. I can continue improving my German, as well as learning other foreign languages. I don't have to buy a car. It is easier for me to live a lifestyle that is healthy and makes me feel happy. People here are less conservative, and that makes me feel more at ease.
No matter how many lists or bar graphs I make, the bottom line is that when I think about returning to the US I am not devastated. But when I think of the inescapable other side of the coin, when I think of leaving Europe, I am sad. There is something inside me screaming out NO! We want to stay here.
The fact remains that I have not that much control over where I'll end up. All I can do is send out my resume and cover letter and hope that someone sees something in those documents that makes them want to take a chance on me. I am ready. I am eager. I want to get in there and work, dammit. Somebody please just give me a chance!

One of the reasons I wanted to write right now, is that I have been making myself tired with this loop of defeating thoughts. I have been extra hard on myself recently, I know without a doubt that I have to cut that shit out. So, I hereby pledge to devote more time today and in the up-coming week to doing things that encourage positive thoughts about myself and my future. I pledge to do things that make me feel good about myself. I pledge to take care of my entire person.
And I pledge to stay positive about the job search. I also think it's a good idea to inject, somehow, more patience into the process.
So, I invite those pledges to take root in my life.