It's Riverbend Festival time in my neck of the woods, which effectively means spending too much money and drinking too much beer. It is not the end of the world, I know, but it's also not the most productive thing for me to be doing now or ever. I woke this morning with the remnants of last night's excesses aching in my brain and immediately started thinking of the part of yesterday's conversation that annoyed me. When it was happening in real time, I was silently annoyed, but I told myself to let it go and, in the moment I have to say I did. But my brain must be programmed to hold on to negative fluff, like a dog gnawing on a bone before he hides it in the backyard to chew on later. At any rate, I was hanging out with 2 straight girls who are both cool and generally the kind of straight girls that this straight girl does not have too much trouble getting along with. The one is very young, 21, and -- for the sake of informing my audience, I'm gonna be judgmental and bitchy, hope that's OK -- an attention whore. The other is older, my age, and a total control freak who's in denial about being one. She regularly refers to herself as "easy to get along with" because she can "carry on" with a street lamp. It occurred to me last night as she was delivering this spiel that being able to talk to, I guess anyTHING, does not necessarily make a person easy-going. Not to mention, I always cringe a little when someone loudly informs me that they can talk to ANYbody and then qualify that statement by insisting they could talk to the first inanimate object they can name, if they had to. When people say this kind of thing, almost like a cue, I want to back away and let them continue as they were.
You could say that some things have been building up since I've been spending time with this person.
So, the younger of the two started moaning about her bat wings, declaring that she can't stand her arms because blah blah blah.
The Talker then jumped on that and assured the Younger the her arms are really cut and that it's really the Talker's arms that are floppy. At this point, 2/3 of my table start flapping their arms like wings, I'm assuming, to see who's upper arms are flappier. I urged, "Oh, now let's not do this straight girl thing."
The two then started the conversation about exercise and weight loss that I'm seeing now will come up every time I am around them. The Younger assures the Talker at this point that, since she has lost/is losing so much weight, that her arms WILL be cut. At which point, she pointedly said, "You and I both know that, if you want to lose weight, it's not hard. You can totally do it." The Talker then insisted that she knew that there were people struggling with it, but essentially, yeah it's easy. Now, I don't think this girl's intent was to single me out in any way, really. I also think that the Talker said what she did not necessarily because she knows I'm struggling but I think maybe she did sense me feeling isolated.
When they have these conversations, I do feel isolated. I feel the urge to give my entire health history . . . that I was obese as a child, teen and young adult. That I just decided one day to take care of myself and lost 60 pounds the slow and steady way -- working out, eating well and taking it one day at a time. That I gained it all back when I moved back in with my parents and, essentially, my old mind and body. That it's my number one goal to achieve optimum health, that I'm working on it, I'm focused and struggling to see the results I so desperately want. Of course I don't say anything. This time, I looked down and pawed at a stain on my t-shirt to have something to focus my attention on. Which is when I was coaching myself through this situation that had become awkward for me . . . I told myself, these people don't know you. And they don't need to know this stuff about you. This conversation doesn't have anything to do with you, so it's best to just leave yourself out of it. It doesn't matter what they think about weight loss or you, for that matter. All that matters is that you know what you need to do, you're doing it and you will see results. You will get back to that place of vibrant health.
I have been looking for some kind of group class, cause one of my best friends is doing one and it's so inspiring to read about her exploits that it hurts a little. I found something online and asked the Talker what she thought about the programs I'd found. She asked, "So, are you just looking for something to jump start your weight loss?" Something about this question really annoyed me. So, the conclusion I've come to is this: I'm not going to share anything more about my health practices with her. (I haven't shared anything real in depth with the Younger at all, and I think I'll leave it that way.) If and when she feels the need to talk at me about hers, I'll quietly listen and nothing else. I thought maybe she'd be a support for me, but I'm not feeling supported so I'll turn else where for it. I'm not competing with anyone any more, except myself.
Also, in reference to all the straight girl stuff in this post . . . it's a regular topic of conversation with these 2. You know, how straight girls can be caddy and bitchy and hard to get along with. I guess what I'm getting at is being aware of this straight girl tension does not mean that it's ceases to exist. Cause there's still this stuff underneath our interactions. And I know I'm not making up it. I'm not saying I'm not a contributor, but I also know that I am not the creator. I don't think either of them necessarily are either. I think it's just inherently there and we pick it up and play with it intermittently. Hope that makes some sense. I mean, none of this is really a big deal. It's just annoying. But, I know what to do to effectively manage it . . . talk to framily, blog, exercise. Basically, just keep doing what I'm doing and don't let anyone's negativity and competitive nature throw me off track
I know this is outside the usual format for posts, but I just had to get this shit off my chest and "out there."
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