Thursday, April 15, 2010

It occurred to me after having posted Tuesday's entry that I made no mention of my current health statistics. However, I am a firm believer in lauding progress over numbers, so I won't give my weight or other body measurements. Also, I am the type of person who can become extremely discouraged by and fixated on those numbers, when they are, in my opinion, not the issue but the symptoms of a more deep-seated illness. In my case, it is my compulsive eating that is the cause of my being overweight. I am prone to compulsive eating because it is my way of filling a void. Intellectually, I know without a doubt that killing myself slowly with food is not loving myself. But in a fit a anxiety or loneliness, my intellect is not always a match against my almost instinctual inclination to eat. And while I don't believe the choice is mine when it comes to having the impulse to eat emotionally, I do not want to give the impression that I believe myself to be powerless over this addiction. Rather, I believe that in every instance of compulsive-eating, there is a moment of choice, and a lot of times, I choose to give in. I choose to submit to that desire and, when I make that decision, then I am powerless. However, there are times when I choose to say "no" to my compulsions, and then I am powerful!
At any rate, my weight -- at this point in my program -- will not be my ruler of progress. I will tell you, though, that I currently wear pants that are between a size 16 and 18 and shirts that are large to x-large. And while dressing to run errands this morning, I noticed subtle changes in the way my clothes are fitting me! :) In my experience, when at the beginning of a weight loss program, it seems like forever before results become evident. Thankfully, I am now at the point that the ball is moving slowly but steadily in the right direction. *Sigh of relief*

MIND -- The main things I have done to tend to my mental health, have been to say "no" to different people in different spheres of my life. Saying no is very difficult for me, as I have a history of being a people-pleaser. I feel like this is a maternal instinct, of sorts, and not all-together negative. But it's not all-together positive either. There are times that I allow people to walk all over me or push me around. Also, there are times that I cower from the task of telling someone I care about that they have hurt me or made me angry. Saying no also tends to cause me much anxiety initially, so that's why it's been a great practice for me to just do it. Speaking my truth to a good friend of mine last night alleviated a lot of the anxiety I was feeling and encouraged me to call an employer this morning to let her know that I'll not be able to accept the job.
I think the main reasons I get worked up about saying no is: the fear of making others angry, hurting other peoples' feelings or disappointing people who are depending on me. It's good, though, that I am at least aware of this weakness and work on it one day at a time.
To further tend to my mental health I'm tip-typing away at this bloggy post and I've got a stick of trusted Nag Champa burnin away. I'll also commit to five more minutes of mediation today.

BODY -- (Nutrition/Input) I haven't eaten anything yet this morning because, when I woke I wasn't feeling hungry and I listened to my appetite. Part of this journey to optimum health is to make friends with my appetite. Which sounds a little like psycho-babble I know, but trust me, if I don't practice following the orders of my appetite, I'll ignore it completely. When I am feeling hungry, though, I'll probably have a cup of cereal with strawberries and a splash of skim milk. For lunch, I'll have ONE Wasa cracker turkey sammich and I'll make a warm mushroom salad, the recipe for which I found in one of my vegetarian cookbooks. It sounds phenomenal! I'll also get some cooking out of the way to prepare for the rest of this week's meals, as well as to have leftovers ready for next week. Tonight, I'll definitely have my udon noodles with ginger and peanut butter sauce. It sounds maybe a little weird, but it's slap-ya-granny good.
I also want to take this time to own up to too much grazing yesterday. I had a lot on my mind and I snacked a little too much, I believe, in order to not think about the things swirling around in my inexhaustible brain.
(Exercise/Output) Yesterday, I didn't get any formal exercise, probably because I was a little drained. Also, I didn't get that walk in that I committed to on Tuesday, but will make it up to myself (and you) before the end of the week. For today's exercise, I would like to do my Suzanne Deason Pilates DVD and something else on the side, though I'm not sure yet what it will be. The movement that I've been injecting more and more into my life is making me feel happy and alive again! It cleans so much noise and junk out of my tired, tired head and it reminds of how exquisitely powerful my body is and can be.
Also, I want to hereby dedicate my exercising to, not only my own health and well-being, but also all those who carry the burden of excess weight.

SPIRIT -- I'm getting hungry, so I'll make this quick. I'm committing to five minutes of meditation today in the name of renewing my mind and spirit. Specifically, I want to do a heart chakra (anahata) meditation, as I read online the other day that focusing on this chakra is believed to bring the mind, body and spirit into alignment. Which is pretty tight, cause that's me whole deal . . . health of mind, body and spirit.
And, what I really, really, really want today is to be loving and compassionate, as well as a hard worker who lets her tasks stand as a representation of herself.

Namaste, errbody!