"I know"

I know I hate being wrong. Sirens and flashing lights go off in my stomach when I am proven wrong and I am afraid my cover is blown. Look, eveybody! She's stupid. She doesn't know what she's talking about. How could we have ever thought she was clever.
I know I am funny. I know I love comedy. I know I wish I had the balls to write and perform comedy. I know comedy was one of the first defense mechanisms I developed to protect myself. I needed to be funny to distract people - it was all smoke and mirrors. Look over here! Isn't this great? I thought if I could keep people laughing long enough they wouldn't think to make fun of me for being the fat kid. In my family, I was often a clown because there was so much tension - there were so many conflicts we avoided. Conversations were sometimes like a minefield. There were all these unspoken subjects we were not supposed to brooch. Things felt wrong. I couldn't say why or for what reason. I had no frame or reference of perspective, but I knew it felt uncomfortable. So I would joke to give the illusion that everything was ok.
I know that the first time I ever ate compulsively was when I was 4 years old. We had just moved from the middle of the piney woods, close to my father's family, to a small town close to the gulf where my mother had grown up as a little girl. I know that my grandfather was taking care of me while everyone else worked and that we had gone to my parent's house so he could cut the grass. I don't know if they'd asked him to - I know he loved cutting grass and that he would cut people's lawns without them having asked and without him having announced he would. I know he always felt offended when people didn't say thank you. I know that I was alone in my new house. I know that there were ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. I know I thought at the time, I am going to probably get in trouble for this later, but right now I don't care. I know I ate four in a row. I know I knew that was far too many ice cream sandwiches for one little girl to eat.