Beginning where I am

My life has completely changed between my last post and today. I didn't mention it explicitly in my last post, but I was pregnant with my first child, a boy, the last time I wrote. I had a rather normal pregnancy my first two trimesters, but shortly after entering my third, I became sick and nothing I seemed to do made a difference. My OBGYN sent me to my general physician, who was unfortunately out of his depth and could not determine what was wrong. For a week and a half, I vacillated between being so ill I could not eat, drink or sleep and feeling relatively normal, albeit increasingly worried. I finally went to the hospital, where my son and I were placed under close and constant observation. The status of my health had normalized, improved even, until the early morning hours when it worsened rapidly. I was delirious with pain, so delirious I started praying for what would have been a miracle -- I was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome, an extreme form of pre-eclampsia, which can only be "cured" by delivery. Knowing no more about my condition than my doctors told me, I thought with enough fortitude of spirit and positive thinking I could beat it. I can see now how naive that is, but fear and blinding, searing pain clouded my judgment. Less than two days after I entered the hospital, my doctors decided to deliver my son per emergency c-section at 27+5 gestational weeks.
The first time I saw my son was an out-of-body experience. I was numb from shock, yet still somehow terrified. He was so tiny, like a naked and weak baby bird. Looking at him, I couldn't imagine how he'd survive and was petrified that he wouldn't. But he fought his way through six grueling weeks in the NICU and another 3 in the step-down station. He has now been home longer than he was in the hospital and I am in awe of him. He is all of my pride.

The past half a year or so has thrown my health into sharp focus, but my attitude is so different than it has been in a while. With time comes distance and with distance comes perspective -- I can see now how I've been fighting myself, trying to force and shame myself into becoming my healthiest self, so no wonder I've only grown more and more frustrated with time. This approach never inspires lasting change. I remember that loving myself is the only way. Loving myself is simple but not easy, so thankfully it's a process, rather than one sweeping decision.
I want my son to love himself as much as his father and I do. I want to love myself as much as I love my son. Self love is the key to not only lasting, positive change, it is the key to being the mother my son deserves. I hope to make him as proud of me as I am of him.