preoccupied

I have not been able to focus on much more than money (or lack thereof), finding a job and not knowing where I'll be at the end of July.
My stomach has been sort of tied in knots for the past few weeks, probably for a number of reasons. I have not been taking care of my inner-person, for starters. I have been unable to be patient about finding a job. I have this inner sense of urgency that I want, I NEED to know RIGHT NOW what I'll be doing and where I'll be doing it.
I'm sure I've learned more than I realize from this experience. One thing I learned very early on is that I am ready for a real, grown-up lady job. Complete with grown-up lady benefits and pay. Another thing I learned is that, where ever I end up next, I want to stay for a while. When I say a while, think at least five years. I learned also that I would rather stay in Europe for the time being. I'm getting pressure from a couple different fronts to return permanently to the US. Which I am not opposed to. In fact, I do feel torn . . .
If I return to the US, I will be at home. I will be closer to friends and family. I have more ties and connections there.
If I stay here, I can continue to explore this continent that is rich in history and culture. I can continue improving my German, as well as learning other foreign languages. I don't have to buy a car. It is easier for me to live a lifestyle that is healthy and makes me feel happy. People here are less conservative, and that makes me feel more at ease.
No matter how many lists or bar graphs I make, the bottom line is that when I think about returning to the US I am not devastated. But when I think of the inescapable other side of the coin, when I think of leaving Europe, I am sad. There is something inside me screaming out NO! We want to stay here.
The fact remains that I have not that much control over where I'll end up. All I can do is send out my resume and cover letter and hope that someone sees something in those documents that makes them want to take a chance on me. I am ready. I am eager. I want to get in there and work, dammit. Somebody please just give me a chance!

One of the reasons I wanted to write right now, is that I have been making myself tired with this loop of defeating thoughts. I have been extra hard on myself recently, I know without a doubt that I have to cut that shit out. So, I hereby pledge to devote more time today and in the up-coming week to doing things that encourage positive thoughts about myself and my future. I pledge to do things that make me feel good about myself. I pledge to take care of my entire person.
And I pledge to stay positive about the job search. I also think it's a good idea to inject, somehow, more patience into the process.
So, I invite those pledges to take root in my life.