Life continues to move forward whether or not I'm ready to let go of the past.
The end of my Fulbright experience is nigh and I'm continuing to look for jobs. I've pared down my search to: Germany, Holland, Spain, Texas and Louisiana. The latter two options would mean that I'd have to have a car, but it would also mean being within driving distance of the people I love more than anything. I've been feeling kind of emotional lately and one of my triggers has definitely been family. I miss everyone, family and friends, and I'd really love to see them again. It would also be nice to be in a setting that is totally, 100% familiar and comfortable. Staying in Europe would automatically mean living a more active lifestyle. It would mean adventure, stimulation and the opportunity to pursue dreams I've had since childhood. But it would also mean starting over, feeling alone and experiencing moments of cultural alienation. Even though I mostly understand what people are saying, there always comes a time when I have no clue what people are talking about. And I could put together slideshows of swamps and moss-covered cypress trees, Mardi Gras and crawfish boils 'til the cows come home. I could talk until I was blue in the face about the bizarre and rich-to-the-point-of-saturated culture I grew up in, but I would never justifiably explain to someone what that means to me or how it has shaped who I am. No one would ever totally understand. I feel like I'm straddling a great divide and if I stumble, I drop off into an abyss. I have decided to place myself here, of course, and if I simply chose a side, a part of me would always be craning my neck to see the other shore.
Is it such a horrible thing to feel isolated? Is it the end of the world to feel misunderstood? No, to both questions. It's probably really common. I don't always like it, though. But I can't let fear or loneliness stop me from pursuing the things that have stirred my spirit since I was a little girl mischievously running, running, running no where and every where.
I feel like this only partially makes sense, but I wanted to get it out, so I appreciate your patience.
Another one of my triggers has been the topic of coupling. I changed my mind quite suddenly about having a family of my own just a few weeks ago. Which had been really cool on one hand and terrifying on the other. It certainly has done nothing to ease the moments that inevitably come when my entire person wonders in exasperation, "Is this EVER going happen for me?" Followed by the much quieter and more pathetic, "Why hasn't this happened for me yet?" And finally, "What if it doesn't ever happen for me?" Sometimes I don't stress myself about it at all, really. But the desire to meet someone special to share my life with never totally goes away. I do attempt to trick myself into thinking it's gone, but honestly it's only so I can open myself up for one of those when-you-least-expect-it moments that people are so proud tell you about. I've put it out there, I've made ridiculous lists, I've asked and asked. What I really want is to live my life with gusto. I want to do the things that I love. I want to embrace what I've been given. And I want that tiny little question mark that's forever in a far corner of my mind to leave. I invite that whimper of, "Where could he be?" to die out and I want it to happen completely without bitterness. I want it to die a painless, graceful death in my sleep.
Again, I'm sorry if this is fading in and out of being understandable.
I just know that I'm standing on a precipice, about to go flying off and it's scary because I have no idea where I'm going to fall.
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